MJ: The Funeral

I had a lunch in the city this afternoon, so am just catching the coverage of MJ's funeral on E! Here we go...

Pastor Lucious Smith: "May this moment of remembrance, a moment of healing, of music and of love, bring comfort to those who loved our friend." He's a damn handsome man of God.

Mariah Carey: Singing her 1992 No. 1 cover of the Jacksons' "I'll Be There." Oddly shaky, despite no apparent accompanying emotion. Oops, is this a tribute to Farrah Fawcett, cause she has '70s hair wings. And that dress... wait, I thought it was Jennifer Hudson who was pregnant. Now Trey Lorenz's mic isn't working. No worries, there are only 1 billion people watching. Nice job, sound techies. Safe to say, your career is pretty much over.

Queen Latifah: Ever elegant, but sadly her own comments are squashed by some nonsense written by Maya Angelou for Michael: "Sing our songs among the stars and walk our dances across the face of the moon." Huh?... "He raked his hat, slant over his brow and took a pose on his toes, for all of us." Wha, wha?

Lionel Richie: I love this man. He can do no wrong. Singing "Jesus Is Love," a Commodores song. Nice, poignant, timeless talent.

Berry Gordy Jr.: Oops, why did I think he was dead? "He was like a son to me." I wish my son was such a cash cow. "Michael had a quality that I couldn't completely understand, but we all knew he was special." Cool. I respect the honesty here: “Michael’s life was beautiful. Sure, there were some sad time and maybe some questionable decisions on his part, but Michael Jackson accomplished everything he dreamed of... Michael, thank you for the joy, thank you for the love, you will live in my heart forever.”

Video montage: Okay, cursory. Nothing we ain’t seen before… over and over in the past week.

Stevie Wonder: Performs "Never Dreamed You'd Leave In Summer," a ballad Michael recorded in 1971. Boy, he's off-key. Tivo, thanks for that FF control. He says, “As much as we may feel that we need Michael here with us, God must have needed him far more. I’m at peace with that.” Stevie should have kept to talking, not singing. That was no tribute.

Kobe Bryant and Magic Johnson of the Los Angeles Lakers: Yeah, Michael was such a basketball fan. These two are obviously scripted. What-the-f-ever. Though Magic's story about sharing Kentucky Fried Chicken with Michael is damn funny.

Jennifer Hudson: Obviously, this woman knows loss. She sings "Will You Be There." A group of gospel singers tries to drown her out. Don't mess with my Jennifer, you heathens...

Al Sharpton: Hurrah, he has a pulpit to talk to the masses, even though he's a loud-mouthed racist. Well, this is your moment, Al. God, people are applauding, just because he’s screaming and pointing… Wow, now Obama was elected because of Michael!! …Okay, now you’re not only misplaced here, but you're a liar: “I want his three children to know, wadn’t nothin’ strange about yo’ daddy. It was strange what your daddy had to deal with. He dealt wit’ it anyway.” I'm sorry, I have forgiven MJ's strange behavior in lieu of the great music, but let's not make shit up, k?

John Mayer: Strums "Human Nature" on the guitar. I have yet to forgive him for the biggest pussy song of all time, “Daughters.” Sharpton should've preached while Mayer played. It would have been the ultimate low point and saved a lot of time.

Brooke Shields: “Both of us needed to be adults very early, but when we were together, we were two little kids having fun.” Utterly lovely. Classy lady.

Jermaine Jackson: An emotional reading of MJ’s favorite song “Smile.” Beautiful. I don't know how he's getting through this... though this thing with all the family members wearing a sequined glove is a tad bit creepy.

Martin Luther King III & Bernice King: Talking about sweeping streets. Huh? Bernice says, “To the Jackson family, being part of a world-renowned family who has also experienced a sudden death…” Okay, thanks for explaining why you’re here. “God’s love will move you above the noise of life.” Speaking of noise, hush now…

Sheila Jackson-Lee: U.S. House of Representatives. Girlfriend’s sporting a great white silk ensemble. “If you were going to make a difference, look at the man or the woman in the mirror.” Right good quote.

Usher: Performs "Gone Too Soon," a song performed by Jackson and later dedicated to AIDS victim, Ryan White. Take off your sunglasses, dude. Otherwise, as good as most millennial performers.

Smokey Robinson: A highlight of the memorial. Talking about the Jacksons singing “Gone Too Soon,” a song he wrote: “I went over to him because I wanted to see his birth certificate. I did not believe that someone that young could have that much feeling and soul and know… he had a lot of ‘know.’ It was wonderful, a dream come true to have someone sing one of your songs like that.” Classy, Smokey.

Shaheen Jafargholi: A chunky 12-year-old contestant from "Britain's Got Talent," is warbling "Who's Lovin' You," doing his best Christina Aguilera impression. Pardon me while I search for a gun. I can’t decide whether to shoot the TV or put a bullet through my skull so that I might escape this. Please send this boy back home and never, ever again let him into this country. This just hurts my feelings. What does this have to do with anything?

Kenny Ortega: director of MJ’s planned London concerts, talks about his rehearsals at the Staples Center last week. Interesting anecdote… until he introduces a group of no-names to sing "We Are the World." Could they not have gotten any of the original singers together for the ultimate reunion? This is flaccid… and now, OH, NO! It’s the dreaded children’s choir! Quick, do I have another bullet?!?! And I thought Shaheen was going to be the low point of the day.

The Family: Oh, my god, this is so painful and poignant to endure. First, Jermaine speaks… “I’m lost for words. I was his voice, his backbone, I had his back, so did the family. We thank you very much.” Marlon, shaken and emotional, but beautifully spoken… “I hurt. I stand here trying to find words of comfort, solace, trying to understand why the Lord has taken our brother after such a short visit here on earth. Michael, when you left us, a part of me went with you. And a part of you will live forever within me, but also within all of us. I will treasure the good times, the fun we had, singing, dancing, laughing… We will never understand what he endured, never being able to cross the street without a crowd gathering. Being judged, ridiculed, how much pain can one take? Maybe now, Michael, they will leave you alone.”

And now, the most devastating moment of all: Michael’s daughter Paris-Michael… “I just want to say, ever since I was born, Daddy has been the best father you can ever imagine. And I just want to say I love him so much.”

Overall, a bit of a mixed bag. It’d be inappropriate to be sarcastic about such an occasion. The comments were the highlight, the live performances the weakest among the 90 minutes. I’m still playing MJ on my iPod whenever I’m out and about, as I’m sure millions are around the world. That is the ultimate tribute. Time for the constant news flow to ebb… and let us all have our time with Michael’s greatest enduring legacy… his songs. R.I.P.