Langston Hughes: 'Madam and the Census Man'

During our final day of enumerator training for the U.S. Census, one of our hires stood before the group and offered a delightful (memorized) performance of Langston Hughes' poem "Madam and the Census Man."

This is among a series that the American writer penned beginning in 1943 about an assertive, brassy Harlem heroine named Alberta K. Johnson, or "Madam" Johnson, as she insisted on being called.

The census man, The day he came round,
Wanted my name, To put it down.
I said, JOHNSON, ALBERTA K.
But he hated to write, The K that way.
He said, What does K stand for?
I said, K, And nothing more.
He said, I'm gonna put it, K-A-Y.
I said, If you do, You lie.
My mother christened me, ALBERTA K.
You leave my name, Just that way!
He said, Mrs., (With a snort)
Just a K, Makes your name too short.
I said, I don't Give a damn!
Leave me and my name Just like I am!
Furthermore, rub out that MRS., too
I'll have you know, I'm Madam to you!

Fred Bronson Lends "American Idol" A Much-Needed Helping Of Cred

"American Idol" fanatics are using harsh terms like "jumping the shark" to describe the cataclysmic appearance of Miley Cyrus on Tuesday's show as a "mentor" to the finalists. Through a tirade of guffaws over "Miley" and "mentor" ever appearing in the same sentence, I's got to agree.

One fan summed it up on the americanidol.com forum: "How ridiculous is this show in trying to pander to a perceived portion of the viewers? A 17-year-old whose main claim to fame was masquerading as a fictional character who sings. Is she now gonna masquerade as an actual mentor to the contestants? This show is starting a slow descent into becoming a caricature of itself."

That is, in fact, why I stopped watching "Idol" without my finger poised on the fast-forward button two seasons ago. And boy, was I proven right last year when Adam Lambert, the clear favorite and obvious talent, "lost" to the safe, standard-issue Kris Allen. Of course, since, Lambert has triumphed in the pubic eye, further demonstrating the irrelevance and politics shadowing the pageant. A reality show? Har.

I will hand it to "Idol," however, for inviting my dear pal Fred Bronson back to the show a fourth time for this week's Billboard No. 1 hits theme. Like me, Fred was among the veterans booted from Billboard's staff last year, after serving as the mag's (hell, as the world's) most knowledgeable chart expert, as well as "Idol's" chief statistician (He maintains a count of No. 1's achieved on any chart by all finalists: currently 261). He is also an author, has written for numerous awards shows, including the American Music Awards and World Music Awards, and co-wrote a couple "Star Trek" episodes, among many other accomplishments. He has also created an app for the iPhone (and iTouch and iPad) called getidolsnow.

Fred also scripted the Billboard Radio Countdown from 1998-2006, where I served as host, reading Fredly's finely crafted words about the week's top hits. It was a golden era for the two of us as friends. Among our annual treats four years running was recording on location from the Idols Tour, which features the top 10 finalists of each season. Fred was so filled with off-the-cuff factoids about each finalist that during my interviews, I couldn't help but succeed. We also had an absolute blast. To this day, Fred maintains contact with dozens of Idols. That is a true mentor.

Fred's segment on this week's Tuesday show lent credibility to a franchise that, in its ninth season, is suffering from being so affected, so painfully self-conscious, that it's like watching one ongoing promotional video. It remains the No. 1 show on television—but then again, "Jersey Shore" has returned MTV to some semblance of millennial relevance. It was nice to see some real smarts on "Idol," if only briefly. Well done, Fredly.

Smoking Nun On '405 Club' Web Site

Happy to announce that another post that originally appeared here on The Smoking Nun has been picked up by New York layoff network The 405 Club.

Sheena Easton Joins The Line-up For Kenny Rogers Upcoming 'First 50 Years' TV Special!

Just announced! Sheena Easton will be among the guests starring in Kenny Rogers' upcoming TV special, "The First 50 Years," which tapes April 10 at the MGM Grand at Foxwoods in Connecticut.

Also joining Kenny: Smokey Robinson, Tim McGraw, Chris Isaak, Darius Rucker, Billy Currington, Dolly Parton, Lionel Richie, Alison Krauss, Wynonna Judd and The Oak Ridge Boys. The special will be filmed in high-definition.

As any Sheena follower knows, her 1983 duet with Kenny, a cover of Bob Seger's "We've Got Tonight," was a career saver for Easton, whose late 1982 album, "Madness Money & Music" failed to foster any top 40 hits. After Kenny invited her to join him on the song, it was hastily released in spring 1983 and made a rapid ascent to No. 1 on the country singles chart, reached No. 6 on the pop chart and No. 2 at adult contemporary. (Because of this feat, Sheena, to this day, remains the only artist in history to log top 5 hits on five Billboard charts: the Hot 100, country, AC, dance and R&B). "We've Got Tonight" also hit the U.K. top 30. Kenny appeared later that year as a guest on Sheena Easton's TV special, "Act One" (video below!).

Meanwhile, "We've Got Tonight" became my No. 1 song of 1983, spending 10 weeks at the top of my weekly Taylor Top 40 chart, a record that was never topped over the 20 or so years I engineered my own weekly countdown.

Rogers told The Smoking Nun (okay, not really, it's a press release), “The first 50 years TV show is gonna be awesome; the next 50 years TV show is gonna be a bitch.”

Oh, Dear: Aguleira Rediscovers Inner Whore

We'd come so far... After "Dirrty" was a flop back in 2002, you'd done so well classing it up and letting your vocal ability do the talking, dear Xtina. Now, with upcoming "Bionic," due in June, it seems your inner whore is determined to cheapen all the progress you've made.

Honey bunny, you've got talent. You can sing. You don't need to resort to gimmicks to regain top 40's favor. Just deliver us a good song. Have you been listening to Lady Gaga? She's not pretty, but boy, those choruses deliver, girl. And BTW, you know, you're 29. Maybe it's time to hang up the bustier.Geez, the only thing more horrifying than the single artwork to "Not Myself Tonight" is the ghastly cover for the full disc. You've gone from trollop to granny. Youch!

Brooklyn's Chinatown

I never knew. Manhattan's Chinatown is, of course, a neighborhood as well defined as the Upper West Side or Chelsea, but it was only last week that I learned that Brooklyn has its own Chinatown, in the well-established Sunset Park neighborhood.

While doing a survey last Sunday with several of my fellow Crew Leaders for the U.S. Census, we were assigned an old folks home with 100 separate apartments—where 100% of the residents were either Chinese or Russian. A good 99% of them did not speak English. You know what happens when you randomly knock on the door of folks that can't understand you? They slam the door on your ass! Good fun.

Actually, the majority of the residents were kind, if not baffled by what we were trying to accomplish. Finally, our supervisor O managed to employ the daughter of one of the residents to walk around and translate our intentions to the Chinese occupants. Score!

But that didn't help much for the Russians. There was one sweet lady who spoke limited English that wanted to make clear, after we copied the names of she and her husband from the name plate on her door, "No, he is dead. He's dead." I'm certain, in Russian, there is a more subtle way to term her life partner's demise.

Spring's Sprung!

I'll be damned. Walking down Montague Street here in Brooklyn Heights today, the daffodils have at last exhibited the gusto to proclaim that winter's finally bitten the dust in New York... at least I hope.

Typically, spring blossoms in the city—albeit seldom this early in the season—and then squeals out, "Psych!" as another hateful dollop of winter returns before it finally warms up for real. I'm holding out blind hope that there's lasting meaning here.Meanwhile, the first phase of the much-anticipated Brooklyn Bridge Park, which lines the nearby waterfront, opened Monday. Granted, it's at the other end of my nabe, closer to DUMBO, but this weekend I have every intention of making the short hike to graze in the grass. Bit by bit, it's destined to be a beautiful thing.Of course, now that the city has taken over funding for the park—not necessarily a bad thing—you better believe that every official was present at the official opening to mug for the camera, including impotent NY Gov. David Paterson, Queen 4 Life Mayor Michael Bloomberg and, appropriately, BK borough Prez Marty Markowitz.Here, a look toward to the future of Brooklyn Bridge Park.

Census Report: Call Me Teach

I have never had any desire to teach. If anything, the idea of standing in front of a class to share my alleged smarts is terrifying. But on Wednesday, fellow Crew Leader T and I were thrust into the role for our class of two dozen new U.S. Census Bureau hires, at a church fellowship hall associated with Holy Name of Jesus Church in Park Slope, Brooklyn.

I was up at 6 a.m., swilling coffee by 6:30 and out the door at 7. From the R subway to the F train, and 45 minutes later we were setting up the room, wondering what the hell this all-new experience had in store. In the end, it was a total rush. Yet another adventure from this Census gig.

Over the next eight hours, we read from manuals (500,000 federal guidelines and mandates: “You will not work overtime, you will not work overtime”). We filled out forms. Lots of forms, from tax and direct deposit to a federal affidavit and payroll. We warned about how to react to vicious dogs. Confidentiality. We performed a swearing in.

And we took fingerprints from all 24 peeps—well, almost. One of the potential “enumerator” hires, P, refused to have his prints taken, insisting it violated his civil rights. “Oh, okay. Well, then I’m afraid you can’t be a federal employee,” I responded. “I need to ask you to leave. Now.” Just as well. This dude looked higher than a hot-air balloon… In all, we recorded two sets of fingerprints from 23 folks. That’s 46 hands times 10 digits: 920 fingers. Do you have any idea how absurd fingerprints look after two hours? I swear, I saw Jesus in a couple.

Last night I got home, fixed dinner and started watching “The Blind Side.” Sandra Bullock in the role of her career. Two hours later I woke up on the sofa. It was 10 p.m. I prepared my clothes for Thursday, made lunch and sigh, was in bed well before midnight.

Today was a repeat performance. Up at 6—a call to wish my mama Happy 84th Birthday at 7—then out and back in front of our minions at 8:30. More training, 5,000 questions (remarkably, T and I actually knew the answers to a good 4,850 of them) and then a stop by the Census office to hand in forms. Damn, I feel accomplished.

Amazing that in short order, one is able to pick out the dimwits from the sharp shooters with frightening accuracy, based on body language, posture, challenging them to read out loud, the framework of questions they ask, in general the way they carry themselves. I’m hoping that I’m proven wrong, that there are some diamonds in the rough that can be nurtured into finding potential they didn’t realize they had. I’m eager to work with the weakest, while leaning on the capable to balance out the lot. I recognize that I’ve been given an opportunity, if only for a month or two, to help some of the younger, less experienced hires to discover abilities that could possibly serve them for the long term—if only a boost in confidence.

And speaking of discovering abilities, this “teaching” position has allowed me to recognize long-dormant skills/talents that I haven’t utilized in years. In high school and college, I was active in competitive forensics, the public speaking team. My university degree concentrations were in journalism and speech. Working as a country radio DJ in high school and hosting the Billboard Radio Countdown in the 1990s are coming in handy as I muster a cold reading of hundreds of pages of very dry material. It’s a performance to try and hold the hires’ attention. I’m kind of loving it.

On Friday, we complete training and Monday, at last, we begin the first official Census count. T and I will each have a dozen enumerators working under us, whom we will meet with on a daily basis, assigning Group Quarters for them to survey, addressing any challenges, checking paperwork and funneling it into the system, where it will then be logged as part of the official 2010 Census. Kind of cool.

Hopefully tonight I can stay awake long enough to have dinner and finish my movie. In any case, I’ll head to bed and give myself a light pat on the head, whispering, "Nicely done, Chucko. Who knew you had it in you?"

Census Report: The Count Begins

Let's get busy, baby! Boy, those winter weeks of placing recruiting cards on cars are a distant memory. A month ago, our LCO had the distinction of being first in NYC to complete AVIRs for GQs throughout our AA and thus, we were in danger of having no D308s for a matter of weeks. Can you believe it?

Okay, in English: Our Local Census Office finished its initial survey of temporary living quarters throughout Brooklyn/Northwest ahead of schedule and thus, the 10 Crew Leaders in my office, myself included, were in danger of being laid off until… now. Thankfully, we were all delegated to other departments, filling in with tasks that I’ve outlined in previous posts, to get to this point.

Starting tomorrow, the role that I was hired for shifts into high gear. As a Crew Leader, I will supervise 12 “enumerators,” who will survey, door to door, facilities throughout the district that house non-full-time residents, including soup kitchens, shelters, mobile food vans and places where the homeless are known to sleep. This is known as Service-Based Enumeration. The second mission—GQE or Group Quarters Enumeration—will count residents of dormitories, old-folks homes, prisons, rectories and similar facilities.

For the rest of this week, I will train the newly hired enumerators at a church in Prospect Park, BK, with a fellow crew leader, T. In all, we’ll have a class of 24: his 12 & my 12. Because the training location is nowhere remotely close to where I live, I’ll be up at 6:30 a.m. tomorrow, pour coffee down my gullet, and hit the subway by 7:15 to be there at 8, hang signage, arrange the room and begin training at 8:30.

The Census provides a manual, known as “the Verbatim,” where we sit and read, read, read. On Wednesday, we’ll go over a thousand federal mandates, including confidentiality, sexual harassment and showing them how to fill out 500,000 forms and then fingerprint each of them—twice—and swear in enumerators as federal employees. T and I have already split up the 200-page manual, which also builds in time for a thousand questions from the handful of hires that undoubtedly will be either overeager or dimwitted.

Thursday and Friday, we get into the meat of the matter, explaining what they’ll be doing for a living and the deadline structure—which leaves no time for waste. The SBE portion endures for all of three days. The GQE follows for a period of anywhere from two to three weeks.

Each enumerator will meet with me on a daily basis to get their assignments, while I hang in a pre-designated spot—hopefully some centrally located café or coffee shop—and address any problems, make sure they’re getting their work done expeditiously and check to make sure they've filled out a host of forms correctly. It’s all very precise, with little room for error or waste. Believe me, while this is a federal job, every employee & task is highly accountable. The feds are watching. Closely.

I’m totally stoked about meeting my minions tomorrow—one of whom I will sniff out as my “Lead Enumerator.” Read: right-hand man or woman. I’m told that if any one of them has a car, they earn immediate points, since I can employ them to cart me around (don’t worry, they get paid for mileage). I’m also pretty psyched about the leadership position; even though I’m still fairly new at this and barely have a handle on all that’s ahead, I'm looking forward to having a hand as a supervisor, especially since the longer I was at Billboard, the less command I maintained, as new hierarchies continually came in and chose to designate their own leaders, leaving the most capable vets in the dust.

All told, this Census gig continues to be a wild and wonderful undertaking. I’m getting paid (much) less than half of what I made as a journalist, but the adventure offers a dividend of its own: recognition, creativity, bonding with a whole new group of folks that I'd have never met in my former life and the chance to prove myself with no previous record. It's good. Really good.