Diary of A Layoff/Post Two

WEDNESDAY, 4:27 p.m.
What a difference a week makes. It was exactly seven days ago to the hour that I was given my walking papers after 14 years at Billboard. It already seems oddly surreal. As I mentioned in the previous post, being laid off has been surprisingly all-consuming: thankfully, I’m truly in a fortunate position, where I own my apartment and I’ve met with human resources and now know all the blah blah. Boy, I have to appreciate our new president all the more, because Cobra insurance used to be 100% paid by the ex-employee; the company is now responsible for 65%. What a blessing.

But that’s the boring stuff. The emotional context: I’m weary of walking down the street, riding on the subway, eating a meal, being in the office… and thinking of nothing but this. It’s mentally exhausting.

I mentioned before that being laid off feels like a cancer—that co-workers are almost afraid to come in contact, for fear it might be contagious. I don’t blame them; I’ve felt it before. So after all the great love and affection from a week ago, there is a definite shift in the office. I’m still there, every day, doing my duty, fulfilling my role through March 25… the mandate in order for my severance to be granted for the 13 weeks that follow.

I’ve also had “that discussion”—the what happened, the “I’m okay, really,” to the point that it’s grown tiresome. On Monday, I came in with headphones on, and played Sheena all day. It’s almost simpler for us all to pretend I’m not present.

Meanwhile, the gods were apparently giggling in advance, because Ayhan and I already had planned vacation time in San Juan, Puerto Rico, Wednesday, through Sunday. So as soon as the news came that I was being laid off, I knew I had just what I needed within a week… a full-on sensory escape …

Meanwhile, I met with editor P on Friday—he’s one of the good guys here—and told him that in all seriousness, I wasn’t sure who I felt worse for, as he now faces doing my job and his, in addition to dealing with a mountain of managerial hoo-haw. My job has been to edit, say, 65% of the columns written by R&R’s stolid staff, and also re-write their major features. Likewise, an online editor was axed, leaving 100% of her duties in the hands of a single East Coast staffer for much of the day. The hierarchy that mandated the 10 layoffs gave no thought to such fallout. I wish them luck.

So here’s what I’m focused on most at the moment. I have been working full-time since 1984—damn, cool cats, that’s 25 years. I have the luxury to make sure the next chapter in my life is not a rush job—that it’s right for my talent. If there’s one thing I have no doubt of, it’s that I’m a skilled writer and editor. If I weren’t sure of that, I don’t think I’d have the confidence to write any of the above.