Just In Time: 2009's Most Dreadful Movie

Darling Drew, how could you? After her ultimate triumph in "Grey Gardens," affable actress Drew Barrymore really tossed a rotten tomato with "He's Just Not That Into You." She has a minor role in the flick, but a look at the credits reveals that she's partially to blame as an executive producer.

Surely, she had no idea how bad this movie was going to turn out to be. As a gay, I'm all about a good chick flick, but my god, this train wreck was unwatchable. And yet, Ayhan refused to let me fast forward. It's not my fault!

* Ginnifer Goodwin, a virtual unknown from HBO's "Big Love," as Gigi, is the least sympathetic lead I can recall outside of Adolph Hitler in "Inglourious Basterds." She whines, preens, is obnoxiously needy, if not desperate—my god, she might even have a perm—and she sits by the phone like a 13-year-old. Get a life, girl.

* Jennifer Connelly, once again, is all eyebrows and man-face. She's mean, frigid and unforgiving because her hot husband Bradley Cooper—with perfect teeth—smokes cigarettes. Get some tweezers and get over yourself, woman.

* Even though Bradley Cooper is married to man-woman Connelly, that's no excuse for sleeping with talking blow-up doll Scarlett Johansson. Great ass, big boobs, lips like a blowfish... and the acting skills of a guppy.

* If this is what living in your 20s has become, no wonder so many NYU students keep jumping off buildings. My 20s were a goddamn blast, packed with rollicking ups, dastardly downs and persistent melodrama, but sans gooey friends who enabled suffocating self-pity. My recall: "I'm so sorry. Now get over it and let's go drink." I refuse to believe things have changed that much.

* Kevin Connolly, Justin Long. File under pussy boys. Emasculated to the point of being pin-the-tale-on-the-donkey asswipes. Wilson Cruz's gay character has bigger balls than those two.

* Jennifer Aniston. Hi, Rachel. Oops, you forgot again that "Friends" is over. Ever endearing, and yet for god's sake, show a little range.

* Ben Affleck: You used to be famous, didn't you? As dynamic as a Stop sign.

* Not only are the women in this movie singly driven by finding happiness through a good man, but the dudes are either as obsessed, or they're dogs. 1D...

* I could have stood outside in the snow naked for two hours, and I'd have gotten a warmer feeling than this experience. God almighty.