Ultimate Oxymoron: MTV Video Music Awards

It’s been months since I’ve delivered commentary on an awards show, and after being so very sweet and mannered all summer in the Hamptons, I’m feeling a bit sassy, cool cats. I cannot imagine a more torturous way to spend two-and-a-half hours than to watch the MTV Video Awards, thanfully, via Tivo. Isn’t that the funniest oxymoron: MTV and "music" and "video"? Strap in for a bumpy ride.

* Madonna’s talking about Michael Jackson. Oh, wait, she’s actually talking about herself. “He didn’t have a childhood, I didn’t have a mother.” Wow, 25+ years in entertainment, and she still can't deliver a speech that has any pitch, whatsoever... Mono-Madonna. But I can’t think of another entertainer in modern history as enduring as Michael other than Madge. So I’ll take it. Damn, her hair is high.

* MJ tribute, with synchronized dancing to videoclips for “Thriller” and “Beat It.” Excellent. Whoa… here’s Janet, lip syncing out of sync to “Scream,” her duet with Mike. This is cool: They stripped her from the videoclip in the background as she recreates her half of the dance steps live... Why am I convinced that it’s all downhill from here?* Oops, I’m right already. Katy Perry is howling through Queen’s “We Will Rock You.” Girl can sing, but as someone whose image is a cartoon character, I keep waiting for the punchline… Oh, oh, I got it. Joe Perry is playing guitar. Get it? Two Perrys. Oh my, those MTV folks are clever.

* Host Russell Brand is awfully handsome. It’s a shame that his voice is two octaves higher than Madonna's. He just announced that Lady GaGa is performing. I'm running to the kitchen for gin, stat!

* First award: Best Female Video: The noms are Gaga, Kelly Clarkson, Beyonce, Taylor Swift, Katy Perry and Pink. Wow, six nominees! Did MTV even play that many videos this year? And the winner (please, please, not Beyonce…) is… Taylor Swift for “You Belong With Me.” Wha? Huh? Did I just have an aneurysm? How on God’s green earth did she trump Pink, Katy or Gaga? I just checked and I am watching MTV, not CMT… How very curious.

* Oh, mother fucker. Kanye West and his maniacal ego just popped onstage, took the mic out of Taylor’s hand during her sweet acceptance speech and he dissed the girl: “Beyonce had one of the best videos of all-time,” he just spat. The audience is booing him, thank god. What an asshole. Now they’re cheering Taylor, who is utterly dumbfounded and felled to silence. Bless her heart. How dare that fuck steal her moment. Can’t they fine him like Serena Williams? Those two deserve each other. I’m absolutely stunned. What an a-hole. What a desperate plea for relevance.

* Best Rock Video nominees: Coldplay, Fall Out Boy, Green Day, Kings of Leon and Paramore. My choice is Green Day’s “21 Guns,” cause I’m old… just like they are. Winner: Green Day! Hurrah, I can pretend I’m relevant, after all!
* Talk about getting the last laugh. Taylor Swift is singing her winning song, "You Belong With Me," in a cute, clever performance partially delivered in a New York subway, peaking in front of Radio City Music Hall. While Swift isn't much of a live vocalist, she's worked hard for the money: writes all of her material, came out of indie-land and performed at Billboard Cafe when she was just out of the box—and was utterly charming. Bite on that, Kanye.

* Love how every time the show takes a commercial break, it announces how long before the next "big event," knowing that the target audience will get lost in their Tweets, IMs, Facebook and chat rooms if MTV doesn't leash them to the TV screen.

* I've just deemed the best performance of the night... a commercial for Body Heat cologne.* Lady CaCa is performing. Talk about going from high to low. Thank the dear Lord I've refilled my gin. She's wearing underpants. Her eye make-up looks like roadkill. Her hair looks like Marilyn... in Ms. Monroe's current state of decomposition. This bitch is truly a spectacle, and what I have the hardest time understanding is that her songs, as radio hits, are pretty fab. So why does she need to be such a freak-aroid? Okay, now she's smeared in blood. How lovely. Her mamer must be so very proud. Do today's kids admire her "shock appeal" the same way I did when Madonna rolled across the MTV stage in a wedding dress singing the scandalous "Like A Virgin" in 1984? Girls back then all wanted to be Madonna. Thank heavens there are no CaCa proteges roaming the streets of NYC. I suspect knowing New Yorkers would push them in front of taxis. I certainly would, as an act of mercy.

* Best Pop Video: Noms are Beyonce's "Single Ladies" (ideal song on endless loop as a torture device for POWs), Lady GaGa, Britney Spears(?), Cobra Starship and Wisin Y Yandel (who the hell is that?)... Winner: Granny Britney for "Womanizer." Yawn.

* Green Day debuted on the MTV Video Music Awards 15 years ago, in 1994. And here they are, perhaps more relevant than ever. I arrived at Billboard magazine in 1995. If this book project gets published, might I say the same? Oh, how terribly Madonna of me... it's not about Chuck, is it? So sorry. God, they sound good live.

* Okay, this is irritating. The show keeps breaking into live acts "already in progress" after commercial breaks, without announcing who they are. There's some bald guy, kind of rapping, kind of singing, and I have no idea who he is. How can I properly insult a stranger?

* Beyonce is performing pretty much naked... fully displaying her kootycat for the world to see. Always a good idea, you see, because she is a beautiful woman, and by staring at her body, it's possible for straight men to bypass the fact that she has among the shrillest voices in pop history (Aretha, anyone?). I've stated this several times... classic beauty, wondrous entertainer, magnetic personality and a voice like a nail gun. It doesn't help that her repertoire—"Single Ladies" and "Ring On It"—are as monotonous and lacking in melody as a faucet dripping upon a rusty tub. Fiberglass, mind you, not steel.

* Best Male Video: Grand! As Kanye West's name is announced, the audience rises into a momentous BOO. Then dumb Diddy asks, "What happened? What did I say?" Doink! The noms: Eminem, Jay-Z, T.I. f/ Rihanna, Kanye and Ne-Yo. And the winner is... Wow, I couldn't give a pidoodle... T.I. I need more ice for my beverage.

* Muse performs. I relieve myself... These asides with Tracy Morgan are a waste. I'm too old to simply toss away so much time. (Thank you for FF, Tivo!) Jennifer Lopez arrives, looking lovely, and states greater truth than I believe she intended: "Now that you can hear (hip-hop) all over the world, artists are still fighting to keep it fresh." If that's not an understatement, girl...

*Best Hip-Hop Video: Eminem, Flo Rida, Kanye West, Jay-Z, Asher Roth... Obviously, I sure as hell hope Kanye loses. Otherwise, let me partake in just a sip more gin... Winner: Eminem. After thanking all of his corporate supporters, he states, "With everything I've been through the last few years, I know that if he was here, he'd be proud for being able to pull through it, so this one's for you; I love you, Biggie." Oh, please.

* Hahahahaha... oh, my god, I may wake up the neighborhood, chortling over how horrifyingly bad Best New Artist nom Kid Cudi is. He's kind of rapping, sort of singing, but accomplishing neither with any modicum of perceivable talent. These crazy kids. Har, har, har... Okay, already, I did love Paula Abdul in my day. I'll be quiet now.

* Best New Artist: 303, Kid Cudi, Asher Roth, Lady GaGa... A viewer's vote... Imagine that I actually believe that CaCa should win, based simply on her parcel of hits. "And the moon man goes to..." Okay, she wins... and she's so so pretty.

* Pink performs on a trapeze. Does anyone know why? Here's an act that needs no gimmicks to convince the masses of her talent. Entertaining, I suppose, but baffling.

* I've been going back and forth between the live airing and MTV online... If I see this fucking Beatles Rockband commercial one more time (it plays every time you access online video), I'm going to heave myself off the fire escape. Of course, here on the second floor, I'll probably just bruise an elbow and creep back upstairs. Enough, already.

* Video Of The Year: Beyonce, "Single Ladies"; Eminem, "We Made You"; Lady GaGa, "Poker Face"; Kanye West, "Love Lockdown"; Britney Spears, "Womanizer"... Can you believe that as much as I loathe the image of GaGa, that I believe her song is the most memorable? And the winner is... Beyonce... I have nothing to say...

* Beyonce takes the stage... and makes the most elegant gesture: "I remember being 17 years old, up for my first MTV award with Destiny's Child, and it was one of the most exciting moments in my life. So I'd like for Taylor to come out and have her moment." Okay, I am tearing up... truly... very sweet. And here comes Swift... They hug. A classy move... Taylor says, "Maybe we could try this again... blah blah blah..." She thanks all of her corporate supporters. Oh, well.

* Whoops! Apparently, Alicia Keys closed the show, but it obviously ran over 2-1/2 hours and Tivo chopped it off, so I missed the final performance. Youch.

* I had the pleasure of attending the MTV Awards one year... hmm, was it 1998, 1999? Held at Lincoln Center and I had full access to the venue and it was a friggin' blast. Those were great days, when all of the youth acts reigned. The idea of being present at the event now... I have to admit it holds less intrigue. MTV—is there anyone that believes it relevant anymore for anything more than low-grade reality shows?

*Signing out, cool cats. A pleasure spending time at another awards show, from the armchair.

ADDENDUM: Just read online that Kanye West was asked to leave Radio City Music Hall after his hateful attack on Taylor Swift's win for Best Female Video. He apparently explained that he had a "little sippy sippy" before the production, and then he wrote on his blog, "I'm not crazy y'all. I'm just real." Still an asswipe.