


* MJ tribute, with synchronized dancing to videoclips for “Thriller” and “Beat It.” Excellent. Whoa… here’s Janet, lip syncing out of sync to “Scream,” her duet with Mike. This is cool: They stripped her from the videoclip in the background as she recreates her half of the dance steps live... Why am I convinced that it’s all downhill from here?



* First award: Best Female Video: The noms are Gaga, Kelly Clarkson, Beyonce, Taylor Swift, Katy Perry and Pink. Wow, six nominees! Did MTV even play that many videos this year? And the winner (please, please, not Beyonce…) is… Taylor Swift for “You Belong With Me.” Wha? Huh? Did I just have an aneurysm? How on God’s green earth did she trump Pink, Katy or Gaga? I just checked and I am watching MTV, not CMT… How very curious.


* Talk about getting the last laugh. Taylor Swift is singing her winning song, "You Belong With Me," in a cute, clever performance partially delivered in a New York subway, peaking in front of Radio City Music Hall. While Swift isn't much of a live vocalist, she's worked hard for the money: writes all of her material, came out of indie-land and performed at Billboard Cafe when she was just out of the box—and was utterly charming. Bite on that, Kanye.
* Love how every time the show takes a commercial break, it announces how long before the next "big event," knowing that the target audience will get lost in their Tweets, IMs, Facebook and chat rooms if MTV doesn't leash them to the TV screen.
* I've just deemed the best performance of the night... a commercial for Body Heat cologne.

* Best Pop Video: Noms are Beyonce's "Single Ladies" (ideal song on endless loop as a torture device for POWs), Lady GaGa, Britney Spears(?), Cobra Starship and Wisin Y Yandel (who the hell is that?)... Winner: Granny Britney for "Womanizer." Yawn.

* Okay, this is irritating. The show keeps breaking into live acts "already in progress" after commercial breaks, without announcing who they are. There's some bald guy, kind of rapping, kind of singing, and I have no idea who he is. How can I properly insult a stranger?

* Best Male Video: Grand! As Kanye West's name is announced, the audience rises into a momentous BOO. Then dumb Diddy asks, "What happened? What did I say?" Doink! The noms: Eminem, Jay-Z, T.I. f/ Rihanna, Kanye and Ne-Yo. And the winner is... Wow, I couldn't give a pidoodle... T.I. I need more ice for my beverage.
* Muse performs. I relieve myself... These asides with Tracy Morgan are a waste. I'm too old to simply toss away so much time. (Thank you for FF, Tivo!) Jennifer Lopez arrives, looking lovely, and states greater truth than I believe she intended: "Now that you can hear (hip-hop) all over the world, artists are still fighting to keep it fresh." If that's not an understatement, girl...

*Best Hip-Hop Video: Eminem, Flo Rida, Kanye West, Jay-Z, Asher Roth... Obviously, I sure as hell hope Kanye loses. Otherwise, let me partake in just a sip more gin... Winner: Eminem. After thanking all of his corporate supporters, he states, "With everything I've been through the last few years, I know that if he was here, he'd be proud for being able to pull through it, so this one's for you; I love you, Biggie." Oh, please.
* Hahahahaha... oh, my god, I may wake up the neighborhood, chortling over how horrifyingly bad Best New Artist nom Kid Cudi is. He's kind of rapping, sort of singing, but accomplishing neither with any modicum of perceivable talent. These crazy kids.

* Best New Artist: 303, Kid Cudi, Asher Roth, Lady GaGa... A viewer's vote... Imagine that I actually believe that CaCa should win, based simply on her parcel of hits. "And the moon man goes to..." Okay, she wins... and she's so so pretty.

* I've been going back and forth between the live airing and MTV online... If I see this fucking Beatles Rockband commercial one more time (it plays every time you access online video), I'm going to heave myself off the fire escape. Of course, here on the second floor, I'll probably just bruise an elbow and creep back upstairs. Enough, already.
* Beyonce takes the stage... and makes the most elegant gesture: "I remember being 17 years old,
* Whoops! Apparently, Alicia Keys closed the show, but it obviously ran over 2-1/2 hours and Tivo chopped it off, so I missed the final performance. Youch.
* I had the pleasure of attending the MTV Awards one year... hmm, was it 1998, 1999? Held at Lincoln Center and I had full access to the venue and it was a friggin' blast. Those were great days, when all of the youth acts reigned. The idea of being present at the event now... I have to admit it holds less intrigue. MTV—is there anyone that believes it relevant anymore for anything more than low-grade reality shows?
*Signing out, cool cats. A pleasure spending time at another awards show, from the armchair.
ADDENDUM: Just read online that Kanye West was asked to leave Radio City Music Hall after his hateful attack on Taylor Swift's win for Best Female Video. He apparently explained that he had a "little sippy sippy" before the production, and then he wrote on his blog, "I'm not crazy y'all. I'm just real." Still an asswipe.
Clever things, speaks)
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