Archbishop Tim Dolan Having A Gay Old Time In Rome

After three years as the Big Apple’s mighty big archbishop, homophobe in a robe Timothy Dolan is clapping his hands like a schoolgirl as he prepares to be elevated to cardinal by Pope Benedict XVI in Rome on Saturday. He will be one of 22 cardinals "created" by Benedict.

During the festive ceremony, Dolan will don a brand new scarlet headdress, and be awarded some bands of gold. No word on whether he will also be given a pair of ruby slippers, like the ones the Pope is so fond of peddling around in.

Before the copiously corpulent Dolan pulls up to the buffet table and stuffs himself with a dozen cream puffs and a pheasant or two, let’s review some of the jolly lady in red’s more profound statements:

On the eradication of the Defense of Marriage Act: "The Administration’s current position is not only a grave threat to marriage, but to religious liberty and the integrity of our democracy as well. I pray that (Obama) and the Department of Justice may defend the irreplaceable institution of marriage, and in so doing protect the future generations of our children."

On New York state’s same-sex marriage passage: "Now bigamists are going to want rights to marry. Somebody that wants to marry his sister is going to now say, 'I have a right.' It’s the same principle, isn’t it? (This is) a violation of what we consider the natural law that’s embedded in every man and woman.”

On homosexuality: “If you have been gay your whole life and feel that that’s the way God made you, God bless you. But that doesn’t mean you should act on that. I would happen to say, for instance, that God made me with a pretty short temper. I still think God loves me, but I can’t act on that. I would think that God made me with a particular soft spot in my heart for a martini. Now, I’d better be careful about that.”

On whether homosexuality is a “character flaw”: “Yeah, it would be. And we are all born with certain character flaws, aren’t we?”

In addition, the jolly rancher issued a stern decree vowing severe punishment if any priest or deacon in NYC dares to solemnize a gay union or allow any Catholic-owned facility to be used for such an event. The decree also vows retaliation if any employee of the church participates in a gay wedding.

What a swell sweetheart of a bigot. I wish you godspeed with your own character flaws, Dolan… living in the closet, for one. *