A $1.6 Million Second Chance

Ain't it grand that Michael Vick is out of prison after being convicted of hosting cockfights, only with dogs? Now, the Philadelphia Eagles have hired this fucking thug for $1.6 million a year—because, of course, he's rehabilitated, forgiven and never meant to make a little extra pocket money so that dogs could die. God bless American athletics!

Team coach Jeffrey Lurie assures us that he himself is an "extreme dog lover," although he didn't hesitate to hire a player in an effort to bring his team's stats up. Lurie vows that Vick has "transformed his life (so) that he could complete what has become his new mission: to help save more animals than he harmed."

Oh, happy day. All this humility is making me want to bark... I mean, barf.