Monday, April 23, 2012

'DWTS' Season 14, Monday, April 23... LIVE BLOG!!

It's Motown Week on Dancing with the Stars and I've decided to LIVE BLOG the show for the first time... And away we go, cool cats!

8pm: Smokey Robinson is singing "Tracks of My Tears." Geez, the man never ages... and boy, he sounds great. Sadly, I can't say the same for Martha Reeves. Go, girl, work those boobs.

This is exactly what I suspect Nicki Minaj is going to look like in about five years... Temptations... I wonder how many of these dudes are real Temptations... they are kinda sorta interchangeable, bless their hearts...

8:04p: Here comes the couples. Yee-haw look at William Levy in his tight copper-colored shirt... So so so (so) hot! I have to say, I saw Katherine Jenkins interviewed on Access Hollywood earlier tonight and I'm not hating on her quite as much. Plus, you know, my family heritage is all Welsh, as is she. And god knows her partner Mark Ballas is adorable. So I'm willing to give her a little slack... as long as she doesn't keep trumping or scoring ties with my Will.

8:14p: Love me some Human Nature... Aussie boy band that scored some great hits last decade and now appears in Vegas singing Motown crap. This is a coup for them. And here comes darling Gladys Knight! Love love love... She's certainly not the best dancer, but how could you not gun for her success...

Oops, she's a little rickety tonight and these are very deliberate dance steps... Not much of a challenge here... Ouch, Gladys is kind of barely getting her groove on. What's with the dork glasses on her partner? Buddy Holly? We seem to have our eras mixed up here. Time for judges' comments...

8:17p: "You are the most charismatic dancer," says old, mean Len Goodman... Bruno... "You have star quality." Um, DUH! And Carrie Ann says, "I would pay so much money to see you dance like that again." Has she never heard of YouTube? Scores: 7/7/7.

8:24p: Berry Gordy is in the house. Now that is damn cool. That dumb robotic host just interrupted him... twice... next dance is one of the totally invisible couples of the Season 14 competition, Maria Menounos & Derek Hough. Gin time! How lovely, Martha Reeves is singing a Sheena Easton song, "Jimmy Mack." (God, she's rough; I'd hate to have to dance to this distracting mess of garbled notes.)

8:35p: The padding begins with another performance from Human Nature. The scores: 8/9/9. That Derek is awfully cute, isn't he? But who the hell is Maria?

8:36p: Oh sweet, Roshon Fegan. His dance partner Chelsie Hightower just asked him what he thinks of when he heard the word "sensual." His response: "Sensual. Like huggy." My eyes just rolled back in my head. And they're doing a sexy, slow Rumba? Good fucking luck, kid!... Smokey's singing again. He sounds pretty awesome. God, Roshon is out of his league. He's very swishy, eh?

8:40p: Carrie Ann: "Your moves were exaggerated" (gay). Len: "Clipped and jerky." And Bruno: "Roshon, my darling, what you lack in size, you make up in fire." Damn, this dude never turns down his libido, does he? Thank god for his bravado. Funny shit. Scores: 7/8/8...

8:48p: It's Katherine Jenkins and Mark Ballas, vying for a 30 with the Samba. I'm watching closely to see if these guys are really worth their mettle. Okay, I must admit, that was quite good... although they don't attempt any sort of moves that are as challenging as William and Cheryl Burke. God, I know the judges are just going to froth all over themselves. I think I need a straw for this gin...

8:52p: All three judges just vomited all over themselves... But I swear, that was not anything remotely resembling a perfect 30...

8:56p: And the scores are... 10/9/10... As usual, Len held back. Highest score of the evening, so far... Let's see how William & Cheryl do tonight... So far, they're the only two couples to deliver 29s...

9:01p: Donald Driver & Peta Murgatroyd... He's a hot athletic guy, but he dances like a horse. Why is this guy still on the show? Judges: The judges are inexplicably gushing... I don't get it. Scores: 9/9/9. Katherine & Mark still lead...

9:05p: As usual, ABC is savvy enough to leave Will toward the end of the show. They know that their People mag cover star is the reason folks are willing to put up with this madness for two hours on a Monday night. For god's sake, even I am watching this damn show live for the first time. Of course, Tanquerey and I are having a fine time together, too. Melissa Gilbert is next... Is it me or is she kind of bitchy? And for god's sake, she's with the hottest pro dancer on the show, Maks. Ruff!

9:12p: Melissa & Maks perform a Waltz, the easiest dance there is, with the smooth sounds of Smokey. Lucky for them... Hey, I have a great idea. I think they should do a musical chairs number, where William Levy dances with Maks and then switches off and slow dances with Mark Ballas. Whatcha think? Okay, I'm non-plussed with that performance... Man, Gilbert is harsh-looking... Scores... 8/8/8. Much better than they deserved.

9:21p: My god, this is exhausting... Do people really truly watch this show every week live? This is definitely a one-time thing for me, unless the finale ends up being Katherine and Will. True torture...

More and more commercials as the show ensues, for sure. And two hours... every Monday? And to think, folks are also watching The Voice and the age-old jumped-the-shark American Idol. How does America stand it? I truly dunno...

9:24p: Jaleel now... Hmmm, I think I want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch... Yeah, I have fresh milk. That sounds really good. Oh, wait, they're getting ready to dance, aren't they? Yawwwwn! I'm going to Cha Cha Cha my way to the kitchen... Guess I'm done with my pal gin, already. Damn, it sucks being middle-aged. The days of drinking the night away... to be supplanted now by a tasty bowl of sugar... Oh, the pain, the pain... Speaking of pain, Jaleel... I'm predicting some of the lowest scores of the night for this pair... 10/9/10... What?!?!?!?!?!?!

9:32p: And William Levy and Cheryl Burke are next!! I've got my big bowl of cereal ready to go... Not that I need a sugar buzz to make this an electrifying experience... Here we go!! (After another 5 minutes of commercials, mind you).

9:35p: At last!!!! Oh my god, they're dancing to Smokey Robinson's "Being With You," which was No. 2 behind Sheena Easton's No. 1 "Morning Train" in May 1981. This has to be a sign from the heavens above!! Hmmm, so obviously slow, moody, sensual and with plenty of hip-swaying from Will, but not the most complicated maneuvers I've seen from them. Let's see if the judges appreciate the simplicity... or rail on the sexy pair for not being more creative...

9:39p: Bruno: "William, absolutely utter filth. And I loved every minute of it. You two are wired for sex." Carrie Ann: "On behalf of all the women out there, I thank you. But I don't think that was your best dance. I think there were moments when the two of you were disconnected. You're not just a pretty face; you are a beautiful dancer, and I'd like to see more dancing." (Oops, she seems to agree with my take; although she apparently has missed the screaming factoid that Will's biggest fans are the world's gay men.) And now the brutal Len... uh, oh: "It was a little bit on the raunchy side. I found it a little bit harsh and a tad hectic."

9:42p: This is not going to go well... Scores... 9/8/10... 27 out of 30... which means Katherine Jenkins are third for the night(?) Not a great showing for the best couple on the dancefloor... Okay, for god's sake, enough Smokey Robinson. Is this a dance competition or the Grammy Awards? Filler, filler, filler, ad nauseum. Truly enough... (And besides, I'm pissed now.)

9:51p: All couples are doing some sort of ensemble Cha Cha Cha... potentially adding points to their original scores. Let's see what the hell this means. Will is wearing a fabulous fuscia shirt and sexy white pants... And we're down to three... Will remains! And now two... Katherine & Will... And the last couple standing... ugh... Katherine... so we finish the night with Katherine & Will first and second... again. Well, it certainly appears that William Levy will not be in the bottom two Tuesday night. Don't forget to vote here, cool cats:

Good night!!