Cougar Claws!

Forget the battle between determined Democrats and infantile Republicans in attempting to bail out corporate America. Hollywood cougars are mounting marquis headlines against the younger generation of celebutantes—and it’s tastier than my famous chocolate pudding pie.

First, the fabulous Faye Dunaway—who is nobody’s patsy, thanks to her Oscar-winning role in “Network” and starring turn in “Mommie Dearest,” the gayest movie in Hollywood history—annihilated lightweight Hilary Duff—Disney’s “Lizzie McGuire”—who has been cast in a post-tweenie remake of “Bonnie & Clyde,” the 1967 classic starring Warren Beatty and Dunaway, which garnered 10 Oscar nominations, including both leads, as well as Best Picture.

The re-do starring Duff with hottie Kevin Zegers (whom I’ve been waiting to become a star for years now), drew venom from Mommie… I mean, Dunaway, who remarked, “Couldn't they at least cast a real actress?"

Not smart enough to leave well enough alone, Duff put her hands on her hips and huffed, "I think that my fans don't even know who [Dunaway] is. "I think it was a little unnecessary, but I might be mad if I looked like that now, too."

Whoo-hoo, what a low-down dirty diss from the bubble-headed Disney actress—and I’m betting Dunaway is seething with similar intensity to her portrayal of Joan Crawford (“Bring me the axe!”). My take: Little Miss Duff, first, don’t fuck with royalty. Second, the fact that you dismiss a thrice-nominated Oscar actress shows that you actually think you're somebody that matters at a lean 21 years old. I'm thinking even your peers couldn’t give a shit.

The second scandal is even more delectable. Etta James, 71, bitched that Beyonce had no place portraying her in recent film "Cadillac Records” or warbling through "At Last" at one of the inaugural balls: "The great Beyonce... I can't stand Beyonce. She has no business up there, singing my song on a big ol' president's day that I've been singing forever. She's going to get her ass whipped.”

The cougar also proved to be one nasty anti-Obama bitch, adding some shit about, “Your president, the one with the big ears-he ain’t my president.” Now that's just rude, you old broad.

Of course, she’s dead on about Beyonce. Except for her one song in “Dreamgirls,” “Listen,” and recent single “If I Were A Boy,” Beyonce is the ultimate millennium entertainer: famous with great beauty, rich via lots of hair and make-up commercials—with extremely limited vocal talent, indeed the Diana Ross of this generation. James is certainly no living legend—she has not a single top 10 Hot 100 hit to her name—but she makes a valid point. Sorta.

All of which wraps up a pretty fabulous week. Women are so damn mean! Can you imagine if men started ass-whipping like this? We'd have this Iraq war thing wrapped up in a month.