Grammys: God, Give Me Strength

Here is the night that, as a Billboard writer for the past 14 years, I live for!! However, the Grammy telecast hasn't even started, and already, I'm gritting my teeth. As a NARAS voter, I found once again that I was more often voting against an artist than for someone that truly deserves "the industry's greatest honor."

I was furious when Leona Lewis failed to garner a nod for Best New Artist and it's already been announced that she lost for Best Female Pop Vocal Performance for "Bleeding Love"—the best-selling digital download of the year and a No. 1 Hot 100 hit, not to mention, quite simply, the consummate pop song of 2008. My second choice was "Love Song" by Sara Bareilles, followed by "I Kissed A Girl" by Katy Perry," Chasing Pavements" from Adele and "So What" by Pink—all good. The winner: one-hit wonder Adele. This is my favorite category of the Grammy Awards and actually the most competitive this year. The show already blew its wad.

Best Duo Or Group: Coldplay. I'd have preferred Maroon 5 or OneRepublic, but "Viva La Vida" is a well-crafted song. I can live with it... which is good, since I suspect it's going to get worse from here.

Best Pop Vocal Album: I love that Duffy walloped the fatigued Eagles, James Taylor and Sheryl Crow. But this also-one-hit wonder beat Leona Lewis. What the hell? The fury builds.

Dance Recording & Album Daft Punk. Recording: Thank the Lord that Lady Gaga lost. I voted for Rihanna. Album: Daft Punk beat Cyndi Lauper, Kylie Minogue and my vote, Robyn. Bummer.

Rock: Kings of Leon triumph over AC/DC, Coldplay, Eagles and Radiohead. I love that the underdog won, in this instance. "Sex On Fire" is hot.

Rock Song: Wow, Bruce Springsteen won a Grammy! At least "Girls In Their Summer Clothes" is better than most of his output over the past 50 years. Of course, Peepaw could have patted his fat belly with a mic on and still won.

R&B Female: Alicia Keys for "Superwoman." At least Beyonce lost. But so did Jennifer Hudson. Keys is the Springsteen of R&B, but a gracious, genuine talent.

Comedy: Kathy Griffin lost, because George Carlin is dead. That bites.

Best Musical Show Album: "In the Heights." Yes! Against "Gypsy," "The Little Mermaid," "South Pacific" and "Young Frankenstein." Leave it to us gays to get one right.

It's 8 p.m. Time to watch the show!! Gin, please... U2 opens with new single "Get On Your Boots." This is very good. Bono is 48. He almost looks sexy...

8:04 p.m.: Oh my God, it's Whitney Houston!... This is a moment. That is one fine wig, girl. She looks fab, although she's hoarse and is pausing a lot... hmm, is she okay? Not convinced the healing is locked in.

8:06 p.m.: Jennifer Hudson wins R&B Album of the Year! "I would like to thank my family in heaven and those who are here today." Gorgeous. I'm still reeling from her recording of "The Star Spangled Banner" at the Super Bowl, which I spotlighted in Billboard this week.

8:10 p.m.: Justin Timberlake is performing "Let's Stay Together" with Al Green and I'll be damned, not only is he smiling for a change, but the boy has soul. We're two for two performances here... uh, until now. 8:21 p.m. Coldplay's Chris Martin begins an earnest performance, which, for some reason, is being desecrated by Jay-Z, who looks like a really tall kid who dressed up in a hip-hop costume for Halloween—as if he's actually street... Ah, okay, now we've got the full band playing. Redemption.

8:28 p.m.: Carrie Underwood looks like a harlot. I'm so proud of her! She has this annoying habit that makes me crazy: keeping the beat by tapping the mic. She sounds fine, even if the band is so loud the whole thing is blurry. But so far, the live performances have been remarkably positive.

8:32 p.m.: Sheryl Crow is onstage with her great aunt LeAnn Rimes. Sheryl is my age, while LeAnn is 26. I think it's those mustache-like eyebrows. Sugarland wins Country Performance Group/Duo. Jennifer Nettles is a blast—and a kickass vocalist—so more power to 'em.

8:41 p.m.: Song of the Year... already? The writer's award. Estelle, Adele, Jason Mraz, Sara Bareilles and Coldplay. They're all formidable. "And the Grammy goes to..." Coldplay for "Vida La Vida." Fine song, I'm sitting quietly.

8:54 p.m.: Now a special presentation sponsored by Mephistopheles: Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus singing "Fifteen." Hurrah, it's a competition: Who's more shrill? Which is more off-key? Whose hillbilly accent bleeds through more? I love teen singers, but preferably when they can carry a tune. These two "best friends" should do shots after this to make it all go away. I think I'll join them. Taylor is a fine studio singer, but just can't deliver live. Miley is neither.

8:58 p.m.: Best Pop Collaboration: That typical Grammy moment where the least relevant wins. Robert Plant & Alison Kraus, yeah, the critics ate it like chocolate cake and the public consumed it like beets. This scares me for Album of the Year, which they're almost in the running for. Meanwhile, Jordin Sparks & Chris Brown's "No Air," which I voted for, was among the biggest hits of the year, and a song we'll be hearing for the next 20 years. Pooh.

9:03 p.m.: Jennifer Hudson... How odd. What was that non-melodic jumble? I'm surprisingly non-plussed.

9:13 p.m.: I've seen the Jonas Brothers perform a couple times and these guys have talent. And Joe Jonas is much prettier than Zac Efron. They're singing "Superstitious" with Peepaw Stevie Wonder, who has been performing this song the same way for 75 years. JoBros are giving it some new energy. I think Stevie is wondering what he's going to order at Popeye's after the show.

9:23 p.m.: Here's the performance I'm most looking forward to tonight: Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl." She's deliciously naughty, something missing from much of pop music anymore... Hmm, nice production, she can sing, and yet underwhelming. I give it a B-.

9:26 p.m.: Okay, this is fucked up. They just introduced Kanye West as a headliner, even though he's accompanying Estelle on "American Boy." In its original European version, this song is wondrous, but her U.S. label was of course terrified to launch a new artist without a requisite rap. Kanye has said "yea, yea, yea" 50 times. How 1999. He is trying so hard to compete with the talented singer. No wonder he keeps complaining that he gets no respect: He doesn't deserve any.

9:30 p.m.: Best New Artist. Okay, I'm scared. This is the award that my lady Sheena Easton won in 1982, so I hold it in high regard. Adele, Duffy, Jonas Brothers, Lady Antebellum, Jazmine Sullivan... what a weak field of one-hit wonders and genre-specific acts... And of course, without inclusion of Leona Lewis, it's invalid in my eyes anyway... breathe, breathe... here we go... "And the Grammy goes to..." Adele. Okay, well the whole night was leaning that way, wasn't it? Sadly, she'll never have another hit in the States again, like Mark Cohn, Norah Jones, Lauryn Hill, Paula Cole, Arrested Development... I miss the '80s and '90s.

9:41 p.m.: Record of the Year... Coldplay or Adele? Of course, Leona Lewis will lose... "And the Grammy goes to..." Robert Plant & Alison Krauss, "Please Read This Letter." Hahahahahahahahaha, pitiful. Nothing against these two great talents, but this track is as deserving of this lofty award as me blowing my nose. I need a drink... Think I'll make it a double.

9:53 p.m.: M.I.A., nominated for Record of the Year, is, uh, doing something resembling performance art onstage. I am comfortable saying that this is among the worst spectacles I have ever seen. This was 5 minutes of 360-degree pea-green projectile vomit. Not to mention the fact that she is so pregnant that I want to heave. Gross. Some things should be a little less public.

9:58 p.m.: Paul McCartney connects the dots with "I Saw Him Standing There," which he's singing for the 750,000,000,000,000th time. Wow, that was so unique. I think Sir M. is wearing a toupee. Cool.

10:05 p.m.: Best Male Pop: So weak. If Paul McCartney or James Taylor wins, I'm rushing to the bathroom to push my finger down on my tongue... Kid Rock had a great year; Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours" was huge (if not more effective than Lunestra); Ne-Yo, okay, fine, and John Mayer is a pussy (see "Daughters"). "And the Grammy goes to..." oh god, the pussy boy. Taylor, Miley, do you have any tequila left?

10:12 p.m.: Sugarland and Adele perform. Now we're talking. Wow, Jennifer Nettles is kicking serious butt; damn, she's my new heroine! And for all my bitching about Adele, "Chasing Pavements" was my No. 16 song of 2008. Her performance is the most subtle, artistic, dearly delivered of the night. Sadly, I just don't think that American radio will indulge a second hit.

10:19 p.m.: Radiohead and the USC Trojan Marching Band. Heeeee, Trojan! This is like "Stomp," except it's fronted by a singer who can't hit a single note. Who knew Thom Yorke was tone deaf—or maybe it's the racket of the marching band. This is dastardly—but unlike M.I.A., which made me hide under a blanket, I'm giggling like a schoolgirl over its badness.

10:30 p.m.: Uh-oh, I know this new song from Justin Timberlake and T.I.—and it's just gruesome. Wow, notice that all the good performances were front-loaded in the first hour? T.I.'s rapid-fire rap is making my ears spew molten lava like Mount Vesuvius. And he's actually rapping over himself—rap-syncing? I'm going to the kitchen to smoke. The damage to my lungs couldn't compare with what T.I. is doing to my hearing.

10:39 p.m.: Jamie Foxx and Ne-Yo do the Four Tops. Okay, enough performances. Can we have some awards, please? This has become intolerable. 10:47 p.m.: Ditto with Neil Diamond performing "Sweet Caroline" for the 850,000,000,000th time. There is no excuse for this show to be three-and-a-half hours long.

11:03 p.m.: I don't mean to be crass (I mean right this minute), but are we ever going to be able to mention New Orleans without including Hurricane Katrina in the same sentence? Lil' Wayne is rapping about hard times... three years ago. Thank god New York is not as self-absorbed about the shit we've endured. I'm so sorry about the flood. Can we move on someday?... Now there are a bunch of jazz musicians performing while Lil' Wayne raps, much like serving caviar on a piece of toilet paper.

11:17 p.m.: Robert Plant & Alison Kraus perform. Let's see, are we out of toilet paper? Producer of the Year: Rick Rubin, yeah we knew that hours ago.

11:23 p.m.: Album of the Year: Coldplay, Lil Wayne, Ne-Yo, Plant & Kraus, Radiohead... god, is this year going to be represented by an album that no one bought? "And the Grammy goes to..." It sure is... "Raising Sand" by Robert Plant & Alison Kraus. The majority of this decade has been marked by absurdity: 2008's Herbie Hancock, 2005's dead Ray Charles, 2003's Norah Jones, 2002's "O Brother, Where Art Thou?" and 2001's Steely Dan. What a fitting cap to a night of irrelevance.