It started like any average online Thursday, reading Yahoo! news, scanning Gawker, half-heartedly reviewing job postings, eying Facebook posts, checking my bank account balance and reading email over 15 cups of coffee.
Who knew how my fortunes would change! I received a loving and heartfelt email from Mrs. Marjorie Waterfield, who wrote to tell me about the sad plight of she and her late husband, John. They were married for 20 years, had no children and found Christ just before his death, bless her heart.
Before he dropped, poor John deposited $12 million in a bank account. Now dear Mrs. Waterfield is on her deathbed (she fears not, cause “I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord”) and is looking for a good Christian to spread her fortune among churches, orphanages, research centers and widows propagating the word of God. As she told me, “The Bible made us understand that blessed is the hand that giveth.”
Thank god she found my giving hands… and is willing to name me the beneficiary of her fund! I am so damn blessed and am already looking for worthy causes (my god, I can finally buy a car!).
You're not gonna believe this, but I have
been twice blessed, because this same day, ironically, I received a second email from Sister Egobia Benjamin from Kuwait. She was married to Richard—cool since nuns aren’t allowed to marry in the Western World—who died in 2008. They were tgoether for 11 years, again childless.
She shared with me, "Before his death we were both born again Christians. I decided not to remarry or get a child outside my matrimonial home, which the Bible is against," before confiding that he left $3 million in a bank account. Like Mrs. Waterfield, Sister Egobia, who’s on her way to join the Lord, singled me out as a fellow Christian soldier worthy of divvying the cash among worthy causes.
Believe me, I am here to serve, particularly since the Sis recognizes I will not use this money "in an ungodly way."
Ladies, in His name, I shall spend every dime of that $15 million with the utmost of care. Anyone wanna join me in the Hamptons?