Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Pop-Tarts + Times Square = Upchuck

The 25,000-square-foot three-story M&Ms store in the heart of New York's Times Square is cute. It smells good. It offers every variety and color of M&Ms one can fathom, plus themed merchandise ranging from dispensers and apparel to high-end camp jewelry.

A Pop-Tarts boutique? Not cute. Kellogg's opened a 3,000 sf specialty shop a block from the M&Ms and Hershey's stores this week, and I can only imagine that the hideous super-sweet aroma of faux fruit is only stifled by the menu—prepared by a "pastry chef"—of insanely grotesque confections.

How about Pop-Tarts Sushi, with 3 kinds of minced Pop-Tarts wrapped in a fruit roll-up. Oops, I'm starting to spit up in my mouth. Like to try Fluffer Butter: marshmallow spread sandwiched between two Frosted Fudge Pop-Tarts pastries? Or Sticky Cinna Munchies, cinnamon rolls topped with cream-cheese icing and chunks of Pop-Tarts Cinnamon Roll. Projectile vomit, here I come!

There's more: Ants on a Log, with celery, peanut butter and chunks of Wild Grape Pop-Tarts. And the build-your-own Pop-Tarts incubus: Start with a pastry and add frosting, ice-cream-style toppings and caramel or raspberry. Blech.

Fox News' Shep Smith perhaps offers the best assessment of the Pop-Tarts shop: "I say we bring back the porn stores." And how. (Photos: NY Daily News/New York Times)