Saturday, May 21, 2011

Goodbye Cruel World!

As you probably know, the world is ending today, Saturday, May 21, at 6 p.m. I wanted to say before we all head to hell that it's been a real pleasure sharing with you here on The Smoking Nun. It's pretty amazing to think that I'm still plowing through a bunch of freelance deadlines for naught.

The theory about the end of the world, I have discovered, comes down to two numerological proofs. First is Genesis 7:4, when God said to Noah, "Seven days from now I will send rain for 40 days and 40 nights, and I will wipe from the face of the earth every living creature I have made." When God referred to seven days, he meant seven days and 7,000 years, because "one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day."

I don't get it, but it has been raining an awful lot. Geez, how naive was I when I got excited that my parsley seeds had sprouted?

The second evidence looks at the number of days between the Crucifixion and May 21, 2011: There are 722,500 days between these dates, and 722,500 is composed of the numbers 5x10x17x5x10x17. Five signifies redemption, 10 is completion and 17 is heaven. The numbers represent the day of redemption (5) and the end of the Christian era (10) and the ascent to heaven (17), doubled for added significance.

Wow, I have no clue what that means. But by god, I'm really regretting that I never renovated the living room. Would have been nice to go out, knowing that the apartment looked pretty good. And I have to wonder, do you think they serve gin in hell? Even if its Fleishman's? I mean, that will give you one hell of a hangover.

I guess it could be worse. New Yorker Robert Fitzpatrick spent his life savings, $140,000, on 1,000 subway and bus placards, insisting, "Global Earthquake: The Greatest Ever! Judgment Day May 21, 2011." Just think, if we actually make it unscathed through Saturday, he'll still be an idiot...