Senators More Worried @ Ball Players' 'Dip' Than Economy's Collapse

Two dumbass U.S. senators have decided that the nation's tanking economy can wait: There's real work to be done here. Senators Frank R. Lautenberg (D-N.J.) and Dick Durbin (D-Ill.) have called upon National League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig and the MLB Players Union to ban smokeless tobacco at games in their ongoing who-gives-a-shit bargaining agreement.

Wall Street? Foreclosures? Unemployment? The Second Great Depression? Aw, who cares?! It's about time our nation's elected leaders got back to commandeering Nanny State issues.

These politico clowns whined to union head Michael Weiner that when players use smokeless tobacco, they endanger their own health as well as the health of kids who watch the games on TV... because as you can see below, player Allan Dykstra looks very sexy with a big root of smokeless shit hanging from his lips.

Sens. Lautenberg and Durbin wrote in big capital letters, using lots of exclamation points and some impressive italics: "The use of smokeless tobacco by baseball players undermines the positive image of the sport and sends a dangerous message to young fans, who may be influenced by the players they look up to as role models."

The two useless senators then turned to each other and winked as one whispered, "We get paid to do this. Ha, ha, ha!"

Baseball banned "dip" in the minor leagues, but in the majors, for some inane reason, it's a union issue. The current agreement between fat cat baseball players and fatter cat league owners expires in December. It's estimated that about one-third of major leaguers use dip. Shame on them: Let's get them smoking cigarettes, like real men!

God, that's a good headline up there, huh? I've outdone myself. Think I'll light up to celebrate.