Super Bowl Sunday... No, Really

I haven't watched a Superbowl in, my god, probably 10 years. I don't care about this one, but it seems like an entertaining way to wallop a Sunday night... and I want to see the commercials... I know Pittsburgh is playing, whom I'll say I want to win, cause that's where my friend Laura is from. The other team? Is it Tampa or Phoenix or something? Who knows...

6 p.m.: I'm pulling out my Lego!!! That's what I did 10 years ago when I watched the game with Bob and Tim and Steve. I sat on the floor of B&T's apartment and drank vodka and built a mansion with Lego. Ten years later.... it'll be gin, but otherwise sounds like a plan to me. Here, the foundation begins.

6:14 p.m.: Kurt Warner just won an award. I'm guessing it's for being the hottest man to breathe air on this earth. Damn, it's great to be gay... No investment in the game, but I get to enjoy the athletes. Yeah, I win!

6:16 p.m.: Faith Hill is "singing" "America the Beautiful." Considering that these are always pre-recorded, I hope she gives us a million-dollar money note. She looks fantastic... less like the drag queen on her Christmas album. Score!! Nicely done.

6:20 p.m. The crew of USAirways Flight 1549. It's about time that someone other than just the pilot is recognized, though I have no idea what their heroics have to do with "American values." This isn't politics.

6:21 p.m.: Jennifer Hudson is making her first public appearance since her relatives were murdered, singing the National Anthem. She looks fragile... Okay, now I'm getting teary... is it because of the emotion of her performance or knowing what she has endured? Jesus, I'm crying like a baby... That was so good that I just replayed it on the Tivo. God, she's amazing...

6:22 p.m. Why are there commercials for Kay Jewelers and Avon? Isn't the Super Bowl for us macho guys?

6:23 p.m.: Oh my god, it's a commercial with Kurt Warner. I still can't figure out which team he's on... haha, I meant that literally. I might switch allegiance if he's not with Pittsburgh.

6:28 p.m.: Okay, I finally get it. It's Pittsburgh versus Arizona, hosted in Tampa. Why didn't you say so?

6:39 p.m.: Pittsburgh scores a touchdown and Arizona is huffing that it was invalid? And they took it away? Okay, now I really want Pittsburgh. Arizona is a bunch of babies. Pittsburgh just kicked a field goal for some reason and got 3 points. This game makes absolutely no sense.

7:02 p.m.: Why are the majority of commercials for movies? I could watch previews any day of the week. The only reason I'm kinda sorta watching sports is for the commercials. The earlier one with Bob Dylan and Will.I.Am was kind of cool... reflecting two admired performers from different eras, neither of which can carry a tune. That was the point, right? Will Ferrell in "Land of the Lost." Please, please, dinosaur, eat him!

7:46 p.m.: I've cooked a turkey breast with baked macaroni, stuffing, homemade cranberry sauce and peas. Let's eat! God, is this game boring or what? Thank god there are commercial breaks every 5 minutes... Much more entertaining than watching these guys run back and forth.

8:15 p.m.: Ugh, right as we sit down for our wonderful meal, Bruce Springsteen starts screaming at the screen. He just told us to "step away from the guacamole dip and put the chicken fingers down." Observing his girth, looks like he might wanna follow his own advice. "Born To Run" sounds the same as it has for the past 70 years. Now he's apparently doing a new song with a chorus of black people. Boy, that's a disconnect, whitey. Oh my heavens, Little Steven is enormous! Springsteen says, "I'm going to Disneyland." What the hell does he mean? I'm going to the bathroom... which is certainly a parallel for this over-hyped, underwhelming cougar halftime show. Where is Jennifer Hudson... or anyone else under 60?

8:53 p.m.: I have no explanation why gay men in general loathe sports, but all my life, interest in watching football pretty much falls right behind pulling hairs out of my nostrils... I mean, what's interesting here? These anonymous millionaire athletes are just crawling up and down the field and not accomplishing much of anything. Am I wrong?

9:30 p.m.: Finally, a funny commercial. "30 Rock's" Alec Baldwin for Hulu. Wow, it only took three hours to be entertained... meanwhile, John Madden is relentlessly talking about some football player's big hands. Is this a little homoerotic, or is it just me?

9:56 p.m. Wow, Arizona just took the lead. Some woman with really long hair and a huge ass just ran 100 yards and scored. I didn't know females were allowed to play pro football. There's 2 minutes and 30 seconds left in the game, so that means there's only about 2 hours to go.

10:07 p.m. Here's why I despise this game. The final 25 seconds are taking 45 minutes. Pittsburgh regained the lead with a field goal. I don't know why they got to do that... 15 seconds left... I actually feel a little tension. It could be gas from the turkey... Oh my god, the clock just stopped again with 5 seconds left. It's never going to end.

10:10 p.m. The Pittsburgh Steelers become the first franchise in history to win six Super Bowls. Just as I hoped! God, I feel so redeemed. I just looked up Kurt Warner and found out that he's the quarterback for Arizona, so he's probably pissed off right now. But he's still a millionaire, so watch my pity wane: Poof, it's gone! Look at those teeth. Pretty!

10:15 p.m. I'm still working on my Lego apartment building... stand by. This is a work of art. It takes even longer than the Super Bowl...

10:28 p.m.: MVP Santonio Holmes. grrrrr!!! This is getting better by the minute now that the helmets are off! What a hottie.

12:13 a.m.: I have a long way to go, but we're working toward the third floor!