Oh, god, am I ready for this? The AMAs have a packed slate of A-listers, and I have to see who among 'em falls flat on their ass—and whose plastic surgery offers the best face. Let the awards season games begin! Cocktail, please!
8 p.m.: The show opens with a 10-minute commercial for Janet Jackson's new "No. 1s." It's nice to hear "Control" and "What Have You Done for Me Lately." Tee-hee, she quickly slipped in a verse and chorus of lame new single "Make Me." She's skipping around the stage, dancing with about as much gusto as a nursing home square dance. Hmm...
8:12 p.m.: First award is for pop/rock duo or group... And it goes to that hard rocking band Black Eyed Peas. Maybe Nickelback will win for best rap solo female act later on. Why the hell are BEP nominated in such a category? Where the hell was Daughtry? Huh?
8:15 p.m.: Rascal Flatts wins for country group, for the fourth time. The lead singer is sleepwalking as he thanks God.
8:20 p.m.: Daughtry performs, sounding solid as always. I wonder what kind of music that is. Obviously not pop/rock. Hmm, maybe he'll be nominated for the gospel award, with Black Eyed Peas. Let's nominate them for everything tonight!
8:23 p.m.: Uh, oh, Shakira is bleating through "a song." Wow, she looks nothing like Shakira! We already saw some really old lady standing in for Fergie with Black Eyed Peas. Maybe this is Shakira's Great Aunt Shaky. Cause this bitch looks like she's had some serious eye surgery. And she certainly is singing overtop of a track, since there is no disernable sign of vocal ability... wait, then, maybe it is Shakira!
8:35 p.m.: Keith Urban... Who cut his hair? Mr. 1985? He sounds great... oh, no wait, that's his back-up track. Time for my first gin. After Shakira and this silly song, it's too much to ask anyone to endure this sober.
8:40 p.m.: Reba onstage... wow, she weighs 85 pounds, though her accent is still thicker than a hippo. She's introducing Kelly Clarkson... Oh, my lord... she sounds wonderful, singing "Already Gone" with an orchestra. But, oh honey... what the hell happened to her? I just don't know what to say... so I'll have a drink instead.
8:45 p.m.: Favorite pop/rock female... Beyonce, Lada Gaga and Taylor Swift. For god's sake, hasn't the latter already won enough awards for a lifetime?... Shit, she won! What is happening in this world? First, she sweeps the CMAs and now she's the top pop female singer?... Hi, it's Chuck, please transport me back to 1985 now... I'm not loving 2009.
8:50 p.m.: Alicia Keys is singing "New York, New York," all elegant, and then Jay-Z joins in with his noisy hit about NYC. I wish a disaster movie would sweep over this performance right now. "2012," please make an appearance, quick! This is no tribute to my town, that's for sure.
9:50 p.m.: Okay, it's an hour later and Jay-Z has just finished. Best alt rock group: Green Day, Shinedown and Kings of Leon. Oh, does anyone really care? Just give it to Green Day... sure enough, they did. "21 Guns" is a fine song, but this is alternative? Oh, right, Black Eyed Peas are rock. Almost forgot.
9 p.m.: Black Eyed Peas get their own video montage commercial before
Fergie's wig takes the stage, with some old woman standing beneath it. Hahahahahaha, they're so funny. I love this "rock" music. Hey, the guy that no one knows is singing in the audience, and people are seriously frightened. Ayhan just asked if this is a medley, or one song. I have no answer to that baffling question. HAHAHAHA, we just rewound Fergie's explosively off-key money note three times... Do the AMAs have an award for best female comedy performance. She wins!
9:05 p.m.: Okay, it's becoming clear that at some juncture, someone misinformed Fergie that she should sing for a living. It was all amusing enough when she was just some whore dressed up like a trollop. But the aural assault that my ears just endured... I'm trying to contain the blood... What was that?
9:10 p.m.: Soul male: Jamie Foxx (another super music talent!), Michael Jackson and Maxwell. God, Max looks hot! If Jamie wins, I'm going to drink the gin straight... MJ takes it... okay, I can deal with that. Jermaine takes the stage with some really cute young man in a silver suit. His kids? Jafar, Jermajesty and Jeremy?!?!?! Oh, how could he? And I thought Joseph was the meanest Jackson daddy.
9:12 p.m.: Male country... Jason Aldean, Darius Rucker and Keith Urban. Pardon me, I need to go trim my toenails now... Wow, look at Nicole Kidman's new lips. Fish and chips, anyone?
9:15 p.m.: Kris Allen is talking... Whoa, I nodded off there for a moment... He is as magnetic as a paper cup. Soul female. Okay, I'll just go ahead and type Beyonce's name and save her non-competitors the embarrassment of being mentioned.
9:18 p.m.: The return of Rihanna. Could be a truly spectacular performance. Uh... nice outfit. I didn't realize she was on a work release program from prison. Hmm, what is this shit she's singing? What happened to her hooks? And melodies? This is crap. It's not helping that she keeps forgetting to put the mic to her mouth when "she sings." Mercy, that was abysmal.
9:23 p.m.: Taylor Swift is now doing a take-off on "Risky Business," in a commercial for Band Hero. Anyone have a paper towel? I just spit up all over myself.
9:25 p.m.: Carrie Underwood... WOW. Stunning. Now here's a real talent. Knocking it out of the park. Fun hit, perfecto vocal, great showmanship... Finally, someone that reminds me of an artist. Never a huge fan on "AI," because of the blank look in her eyes, but she's come far. Ace!
9:31 p.m.: Lady Caca begins lip-syncing her fabulous new hit, "Bad Romance." We can't see her face, so the lighting guys are obviously doing their job well. For someone without any singing talent, she has the best songwriters/producers in the biz. The hits don't quit... and man, they are awfully good. Now she's singing an affecting power ballad from her new album. Sounds like another No. 1 hit. I have to say, even though she is uglier than a blowfish, she single-handedly brought dance music back to radio. So I am having a harder time hating on her... All the same, she really should have her face completely reconstructed, out of kindness to the viewing audience.
9:36 p.m.: Speaking of not having an iota of talent... Perez Hilton? Did somebody actually hire him for a legitimate television program or did he sneak in the back door? Credibility factor: less than zip.
9:45 p.m. Drake... does this hip-hop dude know that he's gay yet?... Mary J. Blige performing... kind of... like everyone else, there are two lead vocal tracks. She's kind of singing with one of them. Love this woman, but this song is as exciting as soda sitting in the sun.
9:50 p.m.: Newcomer: Gloriana, Keri Hilson, Kid Cudi, Lady Gaga... oh boy, now that's a tough one to figure out... Wait, what??? Gloriana?? Wha, wha, wha?? Who? The country act even admits in their acceptance that no one has heard of them.
9:54 p.m.: I see all of those years with Marc Anthony haven't taught Jennifer Lopez how to sing. She looks like Madonna during the "Dress You Up" phase: poorly costumed and beefy. Aw man, she just fell down after leaping off one of her dancers' backs... now that's not funny... I feel bad for her. Hasty recovery, though. Well done. Actually, this is one of the better songs of the evening... bless her heart.
10:03 p.m.: Whitney Houston is getting the International something or other award... Roll film... She's singing. All quiet, please. I shall stop typing.
Well, we know our Whitney will never be the same flawless singer of the old days, but this is the best she's sounded this go round... She looks like Patti Labelle, huh? I have not one ill word to say. I will shut my mouth. For a moment.
10:10 p.m.: Hurrah, it's my fave new artist of 2008, Leona Lewis, with some ABC TV judge or something. Favorite country female: Carrie Underwood, Reba and... oh, shit, Taylor Swift... uh, oh, is that skinny bitch going to win for pop and country female? She is no Shania Twain or Dolly Parton. The winner is... Taylor! This is ludicrous... Let the backlash begin!
10:17 p.m.: Melissa Etheridge looks real good. Pop/rock male: Eminem, Michael Jackson and T.I. I'm learning so much tonight: Eminem and T.I. are rockers! Ha, ha, MJ won. Bite me, Em and T. Jermaine: "Michael saw good in everyone." Yes, and the Jackson family is seeing much good in his bank account.
10:20 p.m.: The lovely Alicia Keys is back. Wait, have we ever seen her standing up; she's always at the piano? Wait, she's moving her hips. That's a little bit ew. I don't view her in a sexual way... as opposed to Lady Caca, whose sexuality is the only thing going for her as a performer. Am I contradicting myself about what matters here? It's only because my head is spinning in circles. Oh, no, Alicia is doing a booty bump. And showing her big round rump. Thankfully, I have a fresh gin here in my hand. She's now toying with some guy, touching his chest. He just ran off the stage, probably to call his mama, in tears. A bunch of jailhouse whores are now thrusting their hips... Oh, thank god. Alicia just went upstairs to the piano, where she belongs. Wait, what just happened? It's all a blur... I'm so glad I'm gay.
10:26 p.m.: Eminem is performing. Ayhan is washing dishes. I'm jealous. Boy, this guy has evolved so much over the past decade. This is so different and new! Imagine: Michael Jackson beats Eminem with 25-year-old music—and I get it! They keep blanking out the curse words... those silent sequences are the best part of the performance, believe me.
10:30 p.m.: Timbaland, who obviously just finished eating an entire ham by himself, is onstage. I don't really have to go to the bathroom, but I'm going to try anyway. Maybe I'll flip around the toilet paper rolls or something... Nelly Furtado looks foxy. Actually, she looks like Rihanna used to, before she had a 70-year-old woman style her hair... Ayhan just suggested that Timba go on a diet. I'm thinking he might be able to take off 200 pounds in the next year, to reach half of his current weight. Good luck, big guy.
10:38 p.m.: The commercial for "Nine" is the best performance of the night: with a fabulous Kate Hudson (love her), Sophia Loren, Nicole Kidman, Judi Dench, Daniel Day Lewis... WOW! This looks like a winner! Wonder if Penelope Cruz learned to speak English for her role.
10:42 p.m.: Cool, the guys from "V." She is so gorgeous. And he's adorable. Wonder what their names are... Green Day is performing "21 Guns," my song of the summer of 2009. I'm a bigger follower now than I was during their original heyday. Great shit.
10:48 p.m.: Ah, it's my girl Toni Braxton, with Keri Hilson. Who put those two together? A classic soul singer and skank newcomer? Award for rap male artist: At last, an opportunity for Nickelback to get its prize! Wait, Jay-Z won. Isn't he a rock act?
10:52 p.m.: Ryan Seabreast is reading his cue cards for favorite artist of the year. As usual, he has the personality of a brown winter leaf: Eminem, Michael Jackson, Kings of Leon, Lady Caca and Taylor Swift. Okay, if the latter wins, then let me tell you, Nashville is going to turn on that 19-year-old bitch in a hot second. Her country career will be o-v-a-h... And the winner is (I'm predicting MJ)... uh, oh... Taylor just beat Michael... oh, girl, you just did the world real dirty shame. She no more deserves that award than my (pretty) left foot.
10:57 p.m.: Adam Lambert is apparently considered the biggest draw of the night, since he's performing last. Does anyone else remember Sam Harris, back in 1984? Add eyeliner + "American Idol" = Lambert. Actually kind of digging his new album, though I wish to hell he would stop tongue kissing women, just to be a "scandalous gay."
And so that's it. Well, that wasn't so painful. I barely finished two gin and sodas. Best moment: Whitney. I'm actually going to listen to her new album now, which has been sitting in iTunes untouched. Second best: Fergie, believing that the world thinks of her as a singer, and having the audacity to be one of the few to actually perform live—proving that she is never going to be a singer. Third: Tie between seeing Toni Braxton and Green Day. Fourth: Anticipating the hasty decline of Taylor Swift, a great songwriter and a horrific live singer, after the 19-year-old newcomer was declared the savior of pop and country, without paying dues.Hurrah, Fredly!