HGTV Porn: 'Kitchen Cousins' The Hottest Guys On The Network

HGTV has certainly served up its share of hot hosts and rugged construction crew titans that are damn good with their tools. But we've never quite seen the likes of the soft porn delivered weekly in the burgeoning series Kitchen Cousins (airing Wednesdays at 8:30 p.m.). The familial dripping hot twosome launches their second season on HGTV, Wednesday, May 2.

In the past, we've swooned over the likes of Income Property's Scott McGillivray, Color Splash's David Bromstad, Curb Appeal's John Gidding and dethroned Carter Can's Carter Oosterhouse (all that shit about "green design" was a big snooze). Sorry Property Brothers... not so much.

But with Kitchen Cousins' Anthony Carrino and John Colaneri, forget about that dream reno: Just sit back and dream naughty thoughts about these Italian dudes in their tight-fitting denim while they move around refrigerators and kitchen cabinets... as their biceps swell and glisten.

Anthony is the more compact of the two, almost pretty with a huge smile and gorgeous teeth. He is the more playful of the pair, from what we see in the series. And good lord he is a tribute to Levi Strauss with the way he packs those britches. John, meanwhile, has smiling eyes that resemble George Clooney, and is the big, brawny hunk next door with just enough beard stubble to let you know he probably has to shave three of four times a day to keep up with all of that testosterone. He is also a godsend to the joys of well-fitting jeans... All I know is, I want to attend their next family reunion. Wowsah! See the guys on Facebook here. *

'Dear Genevieve' Encores TODAY At 3:30p On HGTV

Our Dear Genevieve bedroom makeover encores (again) today, Thursday, December 29, at 3:30 p.m. East Coast time on HGTV. No, I won't be watching for a 700th time, thanks for asking.Addendum: Actually, I did watch the show again with visiting Trix & Jack... Except for the ghastly moment where I scream upon seeing the chandelier, it was actually rather amusing...

The Top 10... Uh, 1, New Television Show Of 2011

For the first time ever, I was actually jazzed by last fall’s new TV season. It appeared that the major networks had finally learned that a tepid wasteland of programming directed toward middle America was regularly losing out to edgier shows on pay channels.

Boy, was I off the mark.

After giving many of the new shows a college try, three months later—with one exception—my Tivo is back to recording little more than HGTV. Highly hyped shows like Pan Am turned out to be little more than stylized period costumes, sans any characters that I give a shit about (as opposed to Playboy Club, which I found packed with scintillating action and multiple sub-plots; after it was skewered as sexist, the show was hastily retired after three episodes). Seems I'm hardly alone: Pan Am is now hanging by a thread in the ratings.

The few I devoted a Tivo Season Pass to…
2 Broke Girls: funny as hell for about four episodes, before sinking into a typical one-dimensional sitcom. The two main characters are nicely fleshed out; the supplemental roles are all painful to bear. After a month, I was watching with one eye closed. (renewed)
 
New Girl: Once Zooey Deschanel had been deemed “quirky” for the 100,000th time, it appears the show’s writers forgot she's also smart. The season’s most critically heralded show imploded into a cliché of itself. I so wanted to love it. (renewed)

A Gifted Man with Patrick Wilson seemed promising… until his character evolved from a no-nonsense arrogant asswipe surgeon into a social welfare do-gooder. Zzzz… And what a waste of the brilliant Margo Martindale. (hanging by a thread)

Suburgatory had promise as a hip NYC urban girl is supplanted to the "zany" suburbs. However, it’s just not funny. At all. I'm embarrassed that the spoiled eye-rolling lead is supposed to be a New Yorker. (renewed)

Terra Nova was like watching a full-length movie every week, where a group of folks are saved from extinction by traveling back in time to a prehistoric earth. But there are way too many conflicts among the characters and not nearly enough dinosaurs eating people for breakfast. A big tease not worth an hour of fast forwarding. (hanging by a thread)

Unforgettable, an hour-long mystery where detective Poppy Montgomery remembers every detail and Dylan Walsh looks constantly perplexed. I adore Poppy. I adore the fact that anyone is named Poppy. I think she’s beautiful. I want to be her friend. I like the show and I think it’s smart. I hope I can commit to this one at some point. (renewed)

And then the ones I just don’t get…
The Good Wife, because Julianna Margulies is so fucking serious all the time. I want someone to throw a water balloon at her. I think you have to be a woman to care about this boring patter.

Parks and Recreation, starring yukky Amy Poehler. Critics love it, I loathe her. Ditto for Joel McHale’s Community. Both try so so hard to deliver highbrow humor that it seems entertaining the audience is secondary.

Desperate Housewives jumped the shark years ago and I gave up in the show's final season. Enough bending characters to fit ridiculous plot twists. Desperate, indeed.

Up All Night with Christina Applegate and Will Arnett. So you had a baby and it cries a lot and you’re learning to be parents. Keep it to yourself. Yawn! (renewed)

Whitney: Worst of the worst… and renewed for a full season? That says it all. The networks have returned to programming for the lowest common denominator.

Modern Family: So good for so short a time. After rabid success, it appears the writers are playing it safe by making each character a cartoon character. Phil remains refreshingly funny, but I can't bear watching the gay couple. Do these guys even like each other? They seem utterly miserable together. Over it.

And the one show of the new season I adore: ABC's Revenge, the millennial version of an '80s' nighttime soap. The plot of a crafty young woman (played with precision by Emily VanCamp) seeking to get even with all those who wronged her deceased daddy—and her interactions with frosty bitch Madeleine Stowe—are fabulous fun.

It doesn't hurt a bit that she's also romantically involved with yummy Joshua Bowman. And the Hamptons setting amid oozing wealth adds to its delicious madness. The series has been renewed for a full season, while Stowe recently garnered a Golden Globe for her role as ice queen Victoria Grayson; and the show for Favorite New TV Drama at the People's Choice Awards. Hopefully, that means Revenge will be with us for as long as it chooses to.

And so, the verdict: I'd rather read a magazine.

The Men Of HGTV: Awfully Good With Their Tools

It's no secret that I'm a huge follower of HGTV... and while my favorite shows tend to have female hosts "Property Virgins" with Sandra Rinomato, "Dear Genevieve" with Genevieve Gorder and all-round good co-host Sabrina Soto), it's the men of HGTV that make it an eye candy destination. Here are the cable network's top four dreamy boys. Hand me that hammer and let's get busy.1) Canadian Scott McGillivray hosts "Income Property" on HGTV. He has also been a co-host on "All American Handyman" with mean gruff Mike Holmes. Scott is a trained carpenter and previously worked on "From the Ground Up with Debbie Travis," another fave of mine. He majored in Marketing Management in college. Of course, it goes without saying that he has the best hair on HGTV... with a million-dollar smile to match. Dreamy!2) Before winning HGTV's first "Design Star," David Bromstad was an illustrator for Disney Studios. Today, he is arguably the best makeover master on the network. His "Color Splash" was a huge hit out of the gate, though the show moved to Miami full-time last season and has since lost a good deal of its mojo. The openly gay host is a joy to watch: inspiring, sexy and remarkably creative.3) John Gidding, born in Istanbul, Turkey, had quite a ride before hosting his own HGTV show. The former architect was educated at Harvard and Yale, then became a runway model for Armani, Gucci and Hugo Boss, as well as posing for romance novel covers. Today, he hosts "Curb Appeal: The Block," which, while mildly entertaining, is worth the 30 minutes to see this openly gay cutie in action.4) Carter Oosterhouse is a former model born in Michigan, who gained fame on TLC's "Trading Spaces" before hosting his own "Carter Can" on HGTV and "Red Hot & Green." But because every show focuses on being green, despite the cost to design, I've given up on watching this handsome stud. Damn shame, too, because seeing him in action—with that divine hair—was once a design masterpiece in itself.
Let's give the ladies some credit, too! See them after the jump.