Nanny State: Now Vomiting Is A Crime!

Oh, what a delicate, erudite society we live in. Some poor dude has been charged with assault, harassment and disorderly conduct for barfing at a sporting event in April.

Oh, all right, it was deliberate, but so what. Should we electrocute pigeons that poop on your shoulder, too?

The deal: 21-year-old Matthew Clemmens of New Jersey admits he stuck his fingers down his throat and vomited on Michael Vangelo, an off-duty Easton police captain, and his 11-year-old daughter at a Phillies-Nationals game. I'm so sure they were perfectly behaved...

The maximum penalty is two years in jail, but because Clemmens has no previous offenses of upchucking or urinating in public or anything, he gets off with probation.

Prior to his plea, Clemmens was held on bail for $36,000 amid trumped-up complaints
of simple assault, reckless endangerment, harassment and disorderly conduct.

Geez, nobody can take a joke anymore. I thought everybody threw up at stadiums. Isn't that why they serve warm beer and hotdogs? It's an American pastime!

STOP Calling It A 'Recovery'!

The media just can't make up its mind: Every month, "signs point to recovery" based on some hoo-haw saying so, followed by statistical indicators that prove it's simply not true, then news reports that "the recovery has slowed." For god's sake, can we just stop saying that the economy has shifted and report the facts: It still blows.

AP: "The recovery lost momentum in the spring as growth slowed to a 2.4% pace, its most sluggish showing in nearly a year and too weak to drive down unemployment. Consumers spent less, companies slowed restocking shelves and the nation's deficit dragged more on the economy in the April-to-June quarter. The Commerce Department said the recession was deeper than previously estimated."

Well, duh...

The facts, according to this report:
* Consumer spending, usually the lifeblood of economic activity, slowed in 2Q to 1.6%, down from 1.9% in 1Q—the weakest showing since the end of last year.
* Americans socked away 6.2% of their disposable income in the second quarter, the highest share in a year.
* Consumer spending at a 2.4% growth rate from April to June quarter was the weakest since a 1.6% uptick in 3Q 2009.
* And let's remember the most important: Unemployment remains locked at 9.5%. Its October surge to 10.1% in October was a 26-year high.

Kellan Lutz: Most Beautiful Man Alive

With perfect facial symmetry, lips that conjure impure thoughts and radiant blue eyes, Kellan Lutz is North Dakota's finest export. Is it any wonder that the "Twilight" star went from model to grade-A celeb? He gets our nod as the most beautiful man alive (of course, August is right around the corner).

Scent Celine: New Fragrance 'Simply Chic'

Celine Dion introduces her 13th frgrance through Coty, Simply Chic. Don't laugh too loud: Celine Dion Parfums ranked No. 3 among celebrity fragrances in 2008 in the U.S., with worldwide sales of $850 million.

That still doesn't explain Coty's aureate descriptor for the new scent: "bright citrus notes of Sicilian bergamot, black currant and tangerine juice. Its heart captures floral bouquet of freesia and white roses. The final notes of musk, white amber, patchouli, and sandalwood make the perfume incredibly harmonious and sensual." Huh? At $26 for a 1 oz. bottle, it just smells like money to me...

Happy Birthday Martina McBride!

Martina Mariea Schiff, better known as country diva Martina McBride, turns 44 today. Surprisingly, since her career blossomed in 1993, she has never won a Grammy Award, though she's got a pile of ACM and CMA trophies, as well as an AMA for Female Country Vocalist of the Year.

My favorite songs among her bountiful catalog: "Still Holding On," her beautiful duet with Clint Black; "A Broken Wing"; "Chances Are" with Bob Seger; and Martina's version of Jim Brickman's "Valentine."For a readable version of my Billboard column on Clint & Martina's "Still Holding On," click here.

Karine Serenades 2C Studios

Karine Hannah was at 2C Studios in Brooklyn today to record the beautiful French ballad "Si jamais" with Ayhan and Dennis. Celine should hear this!

Lawn-mongrel

Dog on a lawnmower... Laugh like a hyena in only 13 seconds.

Target Funds Homophobic Politico

According to webbie change.com, corporate entity Target has contributed $150,000 to a rabid anti-gay political candidate, Tom Emmer, funneled through his PAC Minnesota Forward.

Emmer is a Minn. House of Reps member and the Republican candidate for governor in the 2010 election, and has traveled around the state—where Target is based—claiming it's "moral and righteous for religious people to kill gays and lesbians."

On his web site, Emmer insists, "Marriage is the union between one man and one woman. I have consistently supported traditional marriage."

The politico is also affiliated with Christian rock band You Can Run But You Cannot Hide (Jesus Christ, what a stupid name), calling lead singer Bradlee Dean and his bandmates "nice people." That vocalist has stated in public performances, "Muslims are calling for the execution of homosexuals in America. This shows they are upholding the laws in the Bible of the Judeo-Christian God, but they seem to be more moral than American Christians, because they know homosexuality is an abomination."

There's the "abomination" word again... Dean has also said that gays "play the victim when they are, in fact, the predator. On average, they molest 117 people before they’re found out. How many kids have been destroyed, how many adults have been destroyed because of crimes against nature?" Wow, I'm way behind the curve; I've molested zero people.

A little advice for Emmer: Darling, you'll be a lot happier when you come out. Only closet queens hold such hate-filled views in 2010. And Target: I'm not a fan of your pricing structure anyway, but you can bet I won't set foot in your store until you remedy this "abomination."

(Thank you, Susan!)

You Sure Learn A Lot About Your Alleged Best Allies Playing Monopoly

For god's sake, it was Ayhan's idea: "Let's play a board game." After I stopped giggling, I realized he was serious. Monopoly, it is. It must be, geez, 20 years since I've last opened up the box, but of course it's like riding a bike; Free Parking, Boardwalk versus Mediterranean and of course, my icon as the shoe... it all came rushing back.

Man, that was perhaps the shortest game of Monopoly I've ever played. Within an hour, I owned the reds, the greens and the yellows. There was pretty much no hope for Ayhan.

Boy, you sure learn a lot about somebody playing this game. Ayhan has never called me a "jackass" before. And for sure, he's never hollered "Bok ye!" at me. If I hadn't wiped the floor with his butt, I might consider being hurt.

Faith No More

Weird Al "Interviews" Celine Dion

Weird Al does it again. He's exhausted the song parody, and moves on to an equally genius pastime: faux interviews with first-rate celebs, splicing clips from real interviews with his absurd questions. Here, Celine Dion from 2003. This is laugh-out-loud hilarious (especially around the 5-minute mark). He's also rapped with Bruce Springsteen, Ozzy Osbourne, Jessica Simpson, Avril Lavigne... YouTube link here.

Tinatin LIVE!

Happy Anniversary (To Me)

Tonight, I celebrate my love: Eight years ago we were married as best as the regressive United States will allow, in a beautiful civil union in Vermont, surrounded by 40 of our dearest.Ayhan and I began our evening with wine on the rooftop of our building, 10 stories overlooking Brooklyn on one side and Manhattan's skyline on the other.It was a beautiful summer night, with the sun just peaking in the distance, as Lady Liberty waved our way, wondering when the U.S. is going to truly become the land of the free, with liberty and justice for all.Dinner at one of our favorite restaurants, Manhattan's Elmo in Chelsea.The staff could not have been more gracious, bringing us champagne on the house to celebrate.Homeward bound.

Father, Forgive Me

The greatest gift is one's ability to laugh at oneself... So why am I crying? Oh, but to live 2007 over and say NO to the dye job.

Saturday Night Times Square

The extraordinary Ghia, whom I met when she joined Ayhan & Dennis earlier this year to develop ideas for their Young Pals Records, is now in chahoots with me to help take my writing career to the next level. Her brain blows smoke, the gears turn so fast. She was in town this weekend with her adorable (no, really) kids Alden and Jack.Above, with Ayhan and meese.Group shot: meese, Ghia, Dennis & Ayhan.The fabulous Broadway Lounge where we gathered, on the eighth floor of the Marriott Times Square.Imagine children that are charming, fun, not precious, at ease with grown-ups and wonderful conversationalists. I know! I didn't know they came that way, either. Ghia has done one helluva job with Alden and Jack. As I've always said, I have nothing against kids; it's bad parents that irritate the living shit out of me.We talked about artists and radio: I got a fantastic first-hand education from the new generation that is shaping popular music.Beautiful Dennis & gorgeous Ashley.

Times Square Saturday Night

The view that never cools off... Times Square on a hot summer Saturday night. So inspiring, so glorious, consummate New York.. First, from street level......And then looking down from the 8th-floor Broadway Bar at the Marriott Times Square.

Double DC In NYC At G

Teddy lives in D.C. David lives in D.C. Teddy never knew David. But I have known both of them for a combined 38 years. Teddy has been in my life since my early days living in Washington in the mid-1980s, and I met David in the early '90s. I see Ted at least a couple times a year when he comes to NYC for business—but David... mercy, I believe it's been nearly 15 years.

We three converged at G Lounge in Chelsea for Sunday tea and got along like three peas in a queer pod. In fact, the two new friends had dinner together after I departed. I like that.