Celine Dion & Justin Bieber Are Kissing Cousins (From The 1600s)

Oops, I think I just spit up a little on my keyboard. Ancestry.com is reporting a cruel, cruel reality: Apparently, Canadians Celine Dion and Justin Bieber are kin. Let's call it beauty and the beast!

Genealogists swear they’ve discovered that teen castrado Justin Bieber is a distant relative of the world's greatest singer, Celine Dion. Not only that, but Biebs is a way far-off cousin of movie hottie Ryan Gosling and granola rocker Avril Lavigne. Their family link dates back to some of Quebec’s earliest settlers 400 years ago.

"The great thing about family history is that you never know what you’re going to find," said Michelle Ercanback, a researcher with Ancentry.com. "It was a very pleasant surprise."

The Smoking Nun added: "Michelle, are you high? Linking Celine and Justin Bieber as kissing cousins is like dressing a hog in Chanel. Get real, girl!"

According to the webbie, Bieber and Dion are 10th cousins three times removed, linked to French couple Jacques Vezina and Marie Boisdon, who were born in the early 1600s. They moved to Quebec, where they died in 1687. Smoking Nun-sense: Apparently, Marie was a fine singer, while Jacques's voice never changed... although he still gained fame via financing through serb and friend Le Usher.

Meanwhile, Bieber and Gosling are 11th cousins once removed, while Bieber and Lavigne are 12th cousins. They share common relatives Mathurin Roy and Marguerite Bire. Both were born in France in the early 1600s, married in 1637, and moved to Quebec, where Roy worked as a master mason. Man, they're all practically sisters! *

'Rolling Stone' Desperate For Attention, With Icky Bieber Cover

Justin Bieber... hot? So not. Poor, sad grandpappy Rolling Stone... waving its arms with desperation for an iota of attention. And how ironic that alongside its icky Bieber fever cover, the one-time music journal of record offers stories on dinosaurs Bruce Springsteen and Steven Tyler?

Seeing Rolling Stone vying to be Tiger Beat reminds me of the once credible Billboard magazine offering its annual survey of "Hottest Beach Bodies." How the mighty have fallen. *

Dumbass Mom Sues Justin Bieber Because His Concert Was Loud

I'm assuming there's an ambulance parked in the driveway of Staey Wilson Betts... so she can quickly use it to chase boneheaded lawsuits. The dumbass Oregon mommy is suing Justin Bieber for $9 million because his Portland concert was just too damn loud for her delicate sensibilities.

Betts and her daughter attended Bieber’s show at the Rose Quarter on July 14, 2010. The concert was really (really) loud, she alleges, but grew intolerable when Bieber positioned himself in a "heart-shaped aluminum/steel gondola." She says he then "created a wave-like effect of screaming by pointing into various sections of the arena, then enticed the crowd into a frenzy of screams by continuously waving his arms in a quick and upward motion."

It was more than the dim-witted woman could bear. Using really big words no doubt provided by her attorney, she says the gondola served as a "sound conductor creating a sound blast that permanently damaged both of her ears." She now has severe tinnitus, which produces a whooshing sound in the ear.

Of course, there's no mention of the fact that Bieber's singing in and of itself is enough to give any normal person a coronary: That shrieky castrada falsetto should have been declared a national offense years ago. Oh, what a world, what a world we live in. *

Who’d ‘Believe’ It? Bieber Fever Pervades The World

The Biebs just got bigger. As expected, tween idol Justin Bieber’s fourth studio album “Believe” slid into the top spot on this week’s album chart with all the ease of a tub of pomade. Sales of 374,000 were significantly below expectations, but lofty enough to deliver the biggest debut of 2012 on the Billboard 200, trumping the 359,000 start of Madonna’s “MDNA.”

There are plenty of other accolades for “Believe.” First, the set gives Bieber his own personal best sales week, beating the 291,000 in second-week sales for "My World 2.0" in April 2010. It’s his fourth No. 1 album, following "My World 2.0," 2011’s "Never Say Never: The Remixes" and "Under the Mistletoe" (his two other sets, “My World” and “My Worlds Acoustic” both hit the top 10, at Nos. 5 & 7, respectively). That makes the 18 year old the first artist in history to land four No. 1 albums while still in his teens.

He’s also only the second Canadian act ever to score four No. 1 albums, after Neil Young’s solo and Crosby, Stills Nash & Young efforts. (Michael Buble has three.) And Bieber is the youngest artist ever to have an album reach No. 1 in both the U.S. and the U.K., according to Paul Grein’s Yahoo! Music “Chart Watch.” He erases previous record-holder Avril Lavigne, who was 19 when she topped both charts in 2004.

Around much of the world, “Believe” is a chart-topping sensation, debuting at the summit in 30 nations, including the U.K., Canada, Australia, Italy, Spain, Brazil and Sweden.

And a rather obvious factoid: Bieber delivers the No. 1 Top Digital Album, where 139,000 of its 374,000 total were downloaded. It’s the biggest one-week sales total in history here for a teen act, beating Taylor Swift’s “Fearless.”

Not to pooh-pooh the accomplishments, but one can’t ignore industry projections last week that predicted a debut in the range of 400,000-440,000. That forecast was based on huge first-day sales and a bounty of pre-orders, which obviously eased during the chart tally week. But tie into that the fact that almost 3.5 million tracks from “Believe” have already sold—an extraordinary number for a brand-new record—and detractors really have little ammunition.

Perhaps the more interesting debate is just how long the Bieber juggernaut will maintain its fervor. Few teen acts are able to make the kind of transition to respected adult artist, a la Justin Timberlake or Michael Jackson. For reference, Biebs’ first hit “One Time” introduced the U.S. to the singer when it debuted on the Billboard Hot 100 July 25, 2009—fewer than three years ago. Justin Bieber was 15 years old at the time.

Among the cascade of young acts that pervaded the single charts at the beginning of the millennium—Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Hanson, Backstreet Boys, ‘N Sync, 98 Degrees, Jessica Simpson and the like—only Spears continues to be a formidable music force today (despite various train-wrecks in her pop culture memoir). Aguilera has arguably become a reality TV star, as a judge on “The Voice” (along with her fine co-starring performance with Cher in 2010’s flop flick “Burlesque”), while the rest have settled into hawking various products or hosting B-level TV shows. Among them, Simpson is the exception, having created a multi-million-dollar brand empire—without the benefit of current hit records.

Certainly, no one is expecting Bieber to equal the sales figures of his predecessors, who thrived in a very different industry landscape (pre-iTunes, no single sales, for one). The biggest sales week ever still belongs to ‘N Sync’s “No Strings Attached,” which sold a magnanimous 2.4 million copies in the U.S. in its March 2000 launch week. Even Adele can’t muster that, and it’s likely no artist ever will again.

Bieber’s “Believe” accomplishes what it needs to: his subtle metamorphosis into a slightly more adult sound and lyrical signature, with songs like “Love Me Like You Do,” where he teases, “Hop up in the bed… if you like to snooze”—suggestive but hardly explicit. “Catching Feelings” hints at blossoming young love, albeit sweet and sugar-coated: “Could it be a possibility?/I’m tryin’ to see what’s up," he sings. And in “Out Of Town Girl,” the most sensual song on the set, Bieber gets his swagger on: “Girl don’t be shy, you won’t know if you never try/When you walk by you’re the only one that catches my eye.” It’s not bumping and grinding, but does amp the sexuality… just enough to hold the interest of his core audience without frightening their moms.

And remember, Bieber also recently appeared on the cover of “Fortune,” where he and his business partners discussed the young entrepreneur’s investments in tech start-ups and the worth of his brand. Dressed in a business suit for the pictorial, that whole affair was certainly a deliberate allusion to Justin’s coming into manhood.

Meanwhile, on the radio side, the spanking new “Believe” has already muscled five tracks on the Hot 100—a feat worthy of the “Glee” franchise. First single “Boyfriend” debuted and peaked at No. 2 on the Billboard Hot 100, becoming Bieber’s biggest hit to date, with 2.5 million downloads, 60 million YouTube views and 5.5 million on-demand streams. It also became his first top 10 at Mainstream Top 40—after nine previous singles. In its 13th chart week, it dips from No. 10 to No. 18. It also peaked at No. 9 on Pop Songs and No. 11 on the all-format Radio Songs chart.

In addition, Bieber garnered the Hot 100’s top new entry for three consecutive weeks before “Believe” was released: Last week, "As Long as You Love Me" (featuring Big Sean), launched at No. 21 (debuting at No. 5 on Digital Songs); previously "All Around the World" (featuring Ludacris) crashed in at No. 22; and the week before, "Die in Your Arms" came to life at No. 17. And this week, “Beauty And A Beat” (featuring Nicki Minaj), becomes the fifth song to appear on the list. The official next single is “As Long As You Love Me,” which begins promotion at radio July 9.

Stepping away from Bieber fever, let’s take a glance at the rest of the chart week: On the Billboard 200, all four top slots are debuts—ironically the first time this has occurred since November 2011, when Justin Bieber’s “Under the Mistletoe” launched at No. 1. After “Believe,” Kenny Chesney comes in at No. 2 with "Welcome to the Fishbowl," his 10th top 10 album on the Billboard 200. It starts atop the Top Country Albums chart, his 11th leader there.

After seven years, folkie Fiona Apple returns with her highest-charting album ever at No. 3, "The Idler Wheel Is Wiser." The Smashing Pumpkins’ "Oceania" is No 4, after the group last appeared on the chart in 2007. And moving up four to No. 5 is the "Rock of Ages" soundtrack. Last week’s No. 1 from Usher—Justin Bieber’s muse—plummets to No. 6.

And on the Billboard Hot 100, Carly Rae Jepsen logs her third week at No. 1 with “Call Me Maybe.” She’s Canadian, you know—just like Bieber. See, there really is no escape. You may as well give in… and “Believe.” *

Quite Possibly The Most Horrendous Image I've Seen... Millions Protest!

There are soooooooo many things wrong here. So many. So. many. Where to begin? Justin Bieber showing any signs of sexuality. Ew. Ewwww! Worse: His lips are touching the face of pop music's biggest skank. Oh, I hope lil' Biebs washed out his mouth thoroughly with lye soap. Third: Nicki Minaj. That's it. Gross-out. Period.

And the biggest offense of all: A mother fucking duet between the two least talented pop stars of the generation, which is included on Bieber's upcoming Believe CD. I do believe... that I'm going to have to swallow hard not to barf.

As you can see in the image to the left, millions of citizens around the world have taken to the streets to protest this offensive image: "Yuk!" we're hollering with unified fervor. I'm the one in the green shirt to the left. I really like that shirt. See it, with the plaid collar?

Now here's the clencher, and I am willing to admit defeat: “Beauty and the Beat” is a damn good song. A party anthem with awesome beats and an adhesive chorus... Bieber (although processed beyond recognition) is actually singing like a pop star instead of all that phony R&B "I'm down wit dat" crap" that he learned from Usher... I am 100% serious.

Unfortunately, just when I was starting to have a damn fine time... here comes Nicki's faux squawky squeak, with typical intellectual zest: “Justin Bieber, you know i’mma hit ‘em with the ether, Buns out, weiner, but I gotta keep my eye out for Selen-er." What? Huh? What the fuck are you talking about? If I were Selena Gomez, I'd be running for the hills... Oh, what a world. (Hear the track for yourself here.) *

William Levy Nominated For Teen Choice Awards

Uh, this is a little odd, but so be it. Dancing With the Stars got three nods for the 2012 Teen Choice Awards,, including one for William Levy! The show itself was ignored in the Choice TV: Reality Competition Show category, but judge Carrie Ann Inaba was nominated for the Choice TV: Female Personality category (alongside Christina Aguilera of The Voice, Tyra Banks of America’s Next Top Model, Jennifer Lopez of American Idol and Jessica Simpson of Fashion Star.

Will is featured in the Choice TV: Male Reality Star category (with Paul “DJ Pauly D” DelVecchio and Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino of Jersey Shore, Rob Dyrdek of Fantasy Factory and Ridiculousness and Scotty McCreery of American Idol.

Good thing he's not competing against Justin Bieber. I believe I'll wait to see the pics after the telecast on July 22 on Fox... that is, if Levy even bothers to show up to this nonsense. *

Week In Music: Forbes Celebrity 100's Entrepreneurs… They Sing, Too

Teen Beat, meet Forbes. This month the two publications share a cover boy in Justin Bieber, whose venture capital investments cozy up to his 12 million albums sold, for a No. 3 rank on the annual Forbes Celebrity 100 list. Stranger bedfellows may never meet again.

Topping the 2012 Celebrity 100 list, released Wednesday, is Jennifer Lopez, whose $52 million in earnings over the past year add credence to the fact that she is far more than a singer and actress: JLo is a brand.

Alongside judging duties on “American Idol,” People magazine’s 2012 Most Beautiful Woman endorses her 18-scent Coty fragrance line, L’Oreal Paris, Venus and even hawks her children as the face of Gucci’s Children’s Collection.

Meanwhile, Lopez’s music career continues to flourish: “Dance Again” featuring Pitbull, is No. 17 on the Hot 100 this week, and No. 1 on Dance/Club Play Songs. It’s also top 20 on Pop Songs, Latin Songs and Digital Songs.

Following non-musician Oprah Winfrey at No. 2 on the Forbes list is No. 3 singer Biebs, whose empire includes 21 million Twitter followers, second only to Lady Gaga, the magazine reports.

His first single, 2009’s top 5 “Baby,” is the most-watched video in YouTube history, with 750 million views; while he has fostered 43 million Facebook fans. On the bling side, Forbes estimates that at least $3 million of Bieber’s 2011-2012 earnings of $55 million (from touring, his biopic film “Never Say Never” and fragrance Someday) are invested in startups Enflick, messaging playform Tinychat, social curation app Stamped, gaming outfit Sojo Studios, video sharing app Viddy, and online music platform Spotify.

Oh, and then there’s the music. Bieber’s current single “Boyfriend” peaked at No. 2 on the Hot 100 last month, while scoring formidable airplay at Hip-Hop R&B stations—hardly the norm for teen acts—along with top 10 peaks on the Pop Songs and On-Demand Songs charts and No. 1 ranks on YouTube and Digital Songs. His third album “Believe” hits June 19, three years after the 18 year old scored his first hit. And he’s hotter than ever. Celebrity, indeed.

Four more musicians round out the Forbes’ top 10—who, with Bieber, are notably all age 30 or below, and all female solo songbirds: Rihanna at No. 4 (with recent endorsements Vita Coco, Nivea and fragrance Reb’l Fleur); last year’s No. 1-ranked Lady Gaga at No. 5 (believe it or not, her primary fortune comes from music sales, touring and social media—and one endorsement, for MAC cosmetics); Britney Spears at No. 6 (touring, Candie’s and an Elizabeth Arden fragrance line); and Katy Perry at No. 8 (with five No. 1 singles from CD “Teenage Dream,” touring, a ProActive endorsement and fragrance Purr).

From 11-20, three more radio acts score amid Forbes’ Celebrity 100. At No. 11 is country crossover singer/songwriter Taylor Swift, 22, who reaped $65 million from touring, alongside record sales, LEI Jeans and an ongoing CoverGirl contract.

Beyonce, No. 16, has never met an endorsement she didn’t embrace. As the No. 1 music act on CelebrityEndorsementAds.com—like Lopez—her name is worth more than her music, with such tie-ins as a House of Dereon clothing line, L'Oreal, DirecTV, two fragrance lines, Pepsi, Tommy Hilfiger, Nintendo, Vizio, Emporio Armani Diamonds and Nintendo DS.

How about Elton John at No. 17 to round out musicians among the top 20? The 65-year-old pop-rocker’s Las Vegas residency sold out 100+ shows in the past year, along with his animated film “Gnomeo and Juliet,” which reaped $200 million at the box office. He also has a 34th album in the wings.

Outside the top 20, grizzled newlywed rocker Paul McCartney, who continues to actively tour, rolls in at No. 21; while Adele—who, at 24, is nearly a third the age of 69-year-old McCartney—is No. 24; and rocker Bon Jovi is No. 25.

From there, it’s interesting to note that musicians making the top 100 list are either pervasive in hip-hop or country: Dr. Dre at 26, Jay-Z 38, Diddy 42, Kanye West 45, Toby Keith 49, Kenny Chesney 53, Brad Paisley 68, and Lil Wayne 69.

Finally, rounding out the Celebrity 100 with a spin, is Dutch electronica DJ Tiesto 84, whom Forbes notes grosses $250,000 per night, with 100+ shows in the past year. He also has more than 1 million Twitter followers and 12 million Facebook fans.

The Forbes list is compiled by looking at pre-tax income from May 1, 2011 to 2012, alongside “fame”—meaning how often the celebrities appear on TV, movies and online, and their social media following. *

The Week In Music: Biebs & Madonna Rule Chart Roost

While American indie band fun. (featuring Janelle Monae) logs a fifth consecutive week at the top of the singles chart with “We Are Young,” it’s Justin Bieber who is likely having the most fun at the beginning of 2012’s second quarter. His new single “Boyfriend” sold 521,000 thousand copies in its first week to launch all the way up at No. 2 on the Billboard Hot 100.

"We Are Young" maintains the lead—for now—at radio, at No. 2 on Hot 100 Airplay, while “Boyfriend” hops onto that list at No. 24. It’s the Biebs’ highest-charting hit ever, surpassing his No. 5 “Baby,” featuring Ludacris, in 2010. The song also amps the texture for the 18 year old, with a more sensual R&B groove than his tweeny-sounding “Baby.”

This guy is beating the odds, for sure, in terms of enduring fame for a teen act: It’s his third top 10 and first without a featured artist, it tops the Digital Sales and Social 50 charts, while Bieber has sold 8 million albums, according to Nielsen SoundScan—and has 19 million Twitter followers. In addition, Justin debuts at No. 1 on the Canadian singles chart, his first time at the summit in his native nation.

Reminiscent of the late-1990s when kid-friendly groups ‘N Sync and Backstreet Boys ruled the chart roost, Brit boy band One Direction, whose debut album “Up All Night” started at No. 1 on the Billboard 200 (and is No. 6 this week), also ranks in this week’s top 10 singles, as "What Makes You Beautiful" hops from No. 11 to No. 9. The song reached No. 1 in the U.K. last September. Meanwhile, teen act The Wanted is at No. 3 with “Glad You Came.”

On the long-play side, as expected, Madonna debuts at No. 1 with “MDNA”—her eighth No. 1 album and 20th top 10. It also tops the U.K. album chart. Lionel Richie’s country duets “Tuskegee,” enters at No. 2, selling 199,000 copies, to Madge’s 359,000. It’s Richie’s highest-charting album since October 1986 with “Dancing On the Ceiling.” Moreover, he enters Top Country Albums at #1—only the fourth black artist to top that chart, alongside Charley Pride, Ray Charles and Darius Rucker.

It’s important to note that Madonna's entry was undoubtedly boosted by a promotion in which U.S. fans that bought a concert ticket for her world tour were given a code that could be redeemed for either a physical or digital copy of “MDNA.” Billboard estimates that 185,000 of her total sales were tied to the ticket promotion.

Rounding out the top 5 albums: Adele, in its 58th week in the top 10, drops from No. 2 to No. 3 with “21”; “Shinedown, Amaryllis” from Shinedown debuts at No. 4; and last week’s No. 1 “The Hunger Games” soundtrack dips to No. 5.

Next week, the talent pool shallows out dramatically, as gimmick-loaded Nicki Minaj’s sophomore “Pink Friday” is expected to debut at No. 1. *

Justin Bieber Beat Up For 'Complex' Photo Shoot

I gotta admit, there have been many times I'd have loved to pummel the crap out of Justin Bieber, just for being the little squirt he is... But I got to give the dude props for the playful spread he indulged for the cover of Complex magazine. Actually, pretty damn friggin' funny. *

Justin Bieber Turns 18: Countdown Begins Toward Bad Behavior!

Justin Bieber turned 18 yesterday, March 1. As an adult, let the spoils begin! Any moment now, the Biebs should begin decimating his teen-age role model image, requisite for celebs.

Look at Miley Cyrus, who devolved from sweet Disney heroine into trailer trash trollop, posing near-nude for Vanity Fair, pole dancing in live performances and admitting to an ongoing love affair with weed. Fabulous!

I'd be happy enough if the castrada singer would just come out of the closet—god forbid he goes the slut route, a la Lindsay Lohan, and starts sharing his lil' winkie via Twitter or exposes a YouTube video attempting to have sex. Ewwwww.

Admittedly, Justin is beating the odds of most teen idols, with two years of success under his belt and no apparent peak in sight. That in itself is pretty remarkable. Even more so: the fact that he's ugly as sin and continues to make little girls swoon.

During an appearance Thursday on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, Bieber got a birthday surprise: a $100,000 Fisker Karma, "the first true electric luxury vehicle," from his manager Scooter Braun and Usher, who has no doubt bankrolled millions after getting the little squirt signed in the States in 2009. So perhaps it's going to be the Mel Gibson story, driving drunk. God knows he'd be more interesting as a bad boy; perhaps he'll even grow dreadlocks... Can't wait to see! *