Ricky Martin Covers April 2012 Spanish 'Vanity Fair'

Ricky is on a roll huh? After covering The Advocate earlier this month and making his millennial debut on Broadway in the revival of Evita, 40-year-old Ricky Martin now covers the Spanish version of Vanity Fair's April 2012 issue, sharing his adopted twins Matteo and Valentino for the first time in public, alongside his partner of four years, Carlos. (Photos: CocoPerez.com) *

At Last, The Real Beatles Are Revealed

I always knew there was something a tad too histrionic about that guy they called Paul. And now we know the truth about who really sang all those Beatles songs. Let it be, baby! *

Press Is Having A Fine Time Discovering William Levy's Charms

The mainstream press is all over William Levy, following his triumphant debut on this week's Dancing With the Stars Season 14 premiere. In addition to uncovering all kinds of age-old dirt, pics of Will half nude and other such nonsense that we've known about for years, webbies are falling over themselves with the good shit: How hot he is.

Starpulse.com offers, "The war is on—not just for best dancer, but for biggest hunk. There’s no doubt that the so-called Latin Brad Pitt won the competition for most amount of screams on Monday’s Dancing with the Stars, but on Wednesday William Levy and Derek Hough brought out the big guns: their biceps to those of you who don’t hang out at a gym." Ruff! I have a feeling we're going to be seeing a lot more of this. Bring it on. *

Thanks So Much To Asswipe Physicians Committee For The Warning

I sure appreciate the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine for erecting this sensationalist billboard in Chicago. The organization is duly concerned that the hot-dog capital of the world reduces colorectal cancer risk, because god knows butt cancer is no laughing matter. Yeah, my ass, it isn't. *

'Dancing With The Stars' Premiere: William Levy!

Okay, so I didn't quite make it through the Season 14 premiere of ABC's Dancing With The Stars during its (endless) premiere Monday. I was catching up with my fave new show Good Christian Bitches (GCB) from Sunday, and simply didn't have the mojo to endure two hours of bravado just to witness my William Levy—over the course of one night—become the most talked-about reality contestant in America.

And how. Look at the headlines on Google this morning following the show... "Levy Makes Crowd Go Wild," "Levy has hearts aflutter," his "obsessed female fans," "Levy Smoulders" and "Levy incites near-riot." Don't even ask if I'm surprised... Come on, I've been singing the praises of the Spanish-language telenovela star for three years now. But you cool cats already knew that...

So now, I'm sitting in front of the tele, a distant cry from live-blogging, but bursting to share my observations of the season opener. Mind you, I have never watched this show before: I've never understood the universal appeal of viewing a cast of has-been celebs and pro athletes waltzing in outfits that make TJ Maxx look like Nordstrom. But with Levy, the ante is sky high. Let's go!

8p: "Brand new stars": Jack Wagner, my lord, what happened to your face? Oh, I get it. It's behind 500 slices of the knife. No!... Gavin DeGraw looks like a buffoon wearing that undersized hat. Grow up, indie dude, okay?... "Disney star" Roshon... dunno who he is, but adorable!... Sherri from The View can't even navigate walking down the stairs with her sizable girth; how's she gonna dance? Mercy... Melissa Gilbert looks good for an old broad, but who noticed standing beside her HOT partner Maks, with his six-pack?...

And it's Will Levy!! The way he struts down the stairs is already testosterone-packed. Yummy!... Martina looks fem; how the hell did they do that?... Classical singer Katherine somebody and cute partner Mark!... Gladys Knight looks absolutely fab, so very elegant. Loving her... Jaleel, uh, sorry not ready to take Urkel seriously... Thank god that's over... Time for fries and White Castle burgers!

No way at this early juncture in the season that I'm commenting on each performance... Waiting for Will... Okay, three couples in, I have to ask, is this for real? This is absolutely the gayest shit I have ever seen in my life. On ABC? Logo could have scored itself a name brand with this madness. Jack Wagner in a bow tie dancing like a sweet dandy? I feel like I'm watching The Lawrence Welk Show from the 1970s here... And the judges, with their empty babble: two queens and a Paula Abdul clone, it appears... I dunno how this endured for 14 seasons.

Wow, this is much easier to watch than I suspected—because there's so much damn filler... the post-dance interviews with the "stars," the dragged-out scoring and 500000000000 commercials. This two-hour premiere will be over in 45 minutes. Still waiting for Levy...

This kid Roshon from Disney is remarkable... Wow, what a dancer! Do we think he knows yet that's he's gay? Just Googled... he's 20... I would hope so... Sheri Shepherd... hahahahahahaha... I feel like I'm watching her cute partner spinning a mannequin around the dance floor. How could this woman have so so little rhythm? That was hilarious! Heeeee... And the judges just gave her some of the best praise of the evening... I smell a lottttt of horseshit!...

At last... Here comes William!!! After another 10 or 15 minute commercial break. I can't wait!! I don't know whether to say that his pre-dance footage is adorable or... so so hot! Eek-a-loo, both cool cats! Look at my man in those sweats and that tank. It sure is hot in here for the first day of spring!

OH MY GOD, Will has got the moves! Look at him go! Natural Latin rhythm, sexy as shit, the crowd is ROARING... I am just sitting back taking it all in... I had no idea he was such a natural, truly. This is no easy routine... His hips moving to and fro just scored a 10 in my book. Good googa-mooga, almighty!!!

And now... the judges... First, the queeny queen...He stood up and pronounced, "The hottest package of the season!" And I know what he means. Oh, girl!! Now Paula... blah blah blah... She said all of nothing... And the old queen... "Well done." And next, the scores... 8/8/8... out of 30... the highest score of the night "so far." Oh, please!! That was a 30, if I've ever seen one.

And now... Martina... She comes across as very likeable, huh? I like how she giggles at wearing dance shoes and says, "My biggest insecurity is that I'm just not that feminine. I want to overcome the insecurity; I'm just ready to show a different side of me. I haven't worn a dress in 20 years." And you know what? She looks absolutely amazing... I'm finding a soft spot for Martina... She did all right out there on the floor.

This classical singer Katherine Jenkins looks like a Barbie doll... and her performance is doing absolutely nothing for me. No impact. I feel blank... Oh for god's sake. She just scored the highest points of the night?? 9/8/9? Madness. Honestly, I find her wholly generic. I see this chick blending into the background and not making much of a mark on the viewing audience... She's just, uh, routine, ordinary in my purview.

Now this should be fun: Gladys Knight! Hit it! Oh, lord have mercy, girl, you know exactly what you're doing... And I thought the Pips did all the synchronized dancing! She is ON! Love, love, love me some Gladys! Egads, this queeny judge is making my teeth hurt: "Leddies and geentlemeen, da legend haz got ze moves. You've godd class, you've godd sass, you a-r-r-e a star." Eww.

I must sign out. My morning call is at 6 a.m., and it's time for beddy bye. You better believe I'll be having sweet dreams! William Levy delivered; he is in for the long haul, for sure, for sure, for sure. *

Zombies Invade Brooklyn Heightz... Uh, Heights!!

Filming for a New York Lottery commercial overtook Brooklyn Heights Tuesday March 20, along the neighborhood's main shopping drag of Montague Street. This morning, the action was focused on a vehicle with smashed windshield and a felled lamp-post. Ouch!

By mid-afternoon, the storyboard had evolved to a crowd of zombies collected around a newspaper vendor site (with a car now completely overturned), apparently consumed with deadly desire to purchase NYC lottery tix. Meanwhile, a mob of ghoulish extras sat along the corner of Henry Street in front of NY Kids Club—there's something deliciously ironic there—waiting their turn as the action progressed. I can only hope they chewed up a misbehaved precocious child or two.

At least a hundred or so locals gathered at the scene to gaze upon the zombie spectacle, where I was, as always, armed with my Nikon D5000. Good one, for sure. *

Hello Spring 2012! Happy To Have You Back!

In New York, “What took you so long?” is the typical query to welcome Spring after a long, dark, dank, gray, snowy winter. Not this time! The predicted high for this first day of the new season is a glorious 70 degrees! *

Taylor Kitsch Covers April 2012 'Men’s Health'

John Carter may have been a colossol flop film for Disney, but hunky star Taylor Kitsch certainly ignites the cover of the April 2012 Men's Health. The Friday Night Lights and X Men actor looks better with longer hair, but we're willing to forgive. *

Meddling Mayor Bloomerg Bans Food At Homeless Shelters: Too Salty

In a brand new nanny state initiative that is perhaps his most asinine yet, New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg has blocked food donations to the city's homeless—because they're not healthy enough. He's got a point: God knows it's better to starve to death than to ingest all that fat in mayo, right?

In conjunction with a mayoral task force and the Health Department, the Department of Homeless Services is mandated to oversee nutritional content of donated food. Since it's impossible to assess serving sizes, salt, fat and calorie contents, fiber minimums and condiment recommendations—shelters are turning away good Samaritans.

According to The New York Daily News, Glenn Richter has led a team of food-delivery volunteers from his Upper West Side Orthodox congregation for more than a decade. Last month, employees at a local shelter turned away food he brought from a bar mitzvah. "This level of micromanagement is stunning," he says. And as the Daily New surmises: "The Bloomberg administration is so obsessed with meddling in how we all live that it’s now eating away at the very best that New York citizens have to deliver." How dare you, Mayor Mikie. Are you ever going to leave office? *

Ricky Martin Mustachio'd For Role In Broadway's 'Evita'

No need for words! Dashing, indeed!

Whatever Happened To James Franco's 'Sal' Biopic?

James Franco’s Sal, the biopic that he conceived and directed in 2011, apparently came and went without so much as a whisper of publicity. Last fall, the movie was shown at the Venice Film Festival (with Franco in attendance) and then the Austin Film Festival and then... nothing.

We first wrote about it last July, with great anticipation for Val Lauren's starring role, with a then-targeted street date of 2013. I have no idea if there are intentions for wide release at this point.

Loosely based on Michael Gregg Michaud’s biography, the story surrounds the final day of one-time teen idol Sal Mineo’s life at the age of 37, on February 12, 1976. "He eagerly plans his future, which includes an upcoming play he rehearses for and promotes. There’s a glimpse at his relationship with his lover Courtney, and his friends. His financial struggles, his addictions and his active lifestyle. All leading up to his unfortunate, seemingly random murder and the culprit’s arrest," reports website Movie Pool.

Its review from Austin calls Sal a "slow-paced, indie piece that requires a certain artistic mindset to appreciate. While lead actor Val Lauren shines brightly in what is often a very quiet role, Franco’s directing style takes some getting used to."

The flick was shot in nine days on a shoe-string budget, but one would have hoped that Franco's personal fortune would have provided funding for the film to hit HBO or the like. So little information is available on Sal that it's eerily like the Oscar-nominated actor's own demise: simply tragic. *

Thanks A Lot: 'Miami Herald' MISQUOTES The Smoking Nun

It's awfully nice being referenced as a source in a national news story—except when you're MIS-referenced. The Miami Herald ran a piece about William Levy's rehearsals for ABC's Dancing With The Stars, referring to a story posted here on The Smoking Nun. The dumbass cub reporter referred to us as The Smoking GUN... that other website that reports celebrity arrests. Thanks for nothing, Herald! I sure would appreciate you adding your two cents to the story's comments, informing them that as a Smoking Nun reader, it would be nice if they credited the correct source. See story here.

TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT: The World Will Fall In Love With William Levy

You know how when you were a kid and you looooooved R.E.M., the kinda sorta underground alternative band from Athens, Ga.? And then all of a sudden they break into the mainstream with huge 1987 top 40 hit, "The One I Love," and then they are beloved by the world...

And you keep saying, "I knew them first... I loved them when... They were mine before..." And you get all protective and shit...

That's the way I'm feeling at this moment, 30 minutes before the launch of Season 14 of ABC's reality Dancing With The Stars at 8 p.m. tonight. By the end of this evening, the mainstream press is going to be madly in love with The Smoking Nun's Sexiest Man Alive William Levy... and I'll be feeling all haughty, proclaiming again and again, "Hey, remember, you met him here first!"

But you already knew that, right? When you're watching the show, you cool cats are going to say, really loud, to everyone in the room: "That's the guy that The Smoking Nun has been talking about for the past two years... Wow, they really are on top of pop culture..." And then... the kids will be all right... And we'll all share the love as one. Oh, what a beautiful world. *