'Dancing With The Stars' Premiere: William Levy!

Okay, so I didn't quite make it through the Season 14 premiere of ABC's Dancing With The Stars during its (endless) premiere Monday. I was catching up with my fave new show Good Christian Bitches (GCB) from Sunday, and simply didn't have the mojo to endure two hours of bravado just to witness my William Levy—over the course of one night—become the most talked-about reality contestant in America.

And how. Look at the headlines on Google this morning following the show... "Levy Makes Crowd Go Wild," "Levy has hearts aflutter," his "obsessed female fans," "Levy Smoulders" and "Levy incites near-riot." Don't even ask if I'm surprised... Come on, I've been singing the praises of the Spanish-language telenovela star for three years now. But you cool cats already knew that...

So now, I'm sitting in front of the tele, a distant cry from live-blogging, but bursting to share my observations of the season opener. Mind you, I have never watched this show before: I've never understood the universal appeal of viewing a cast of has-been celebs and pro athletes waltzing in outfits that make TJ Maxx look like Nordstrom. But with Levy, the ante is sky high. Let's go!

8p: "Brand new stars": Jack Wagner, my lord, what happened to your face? Oh, I get it. It's behind 500 slices of the knife. No!... Gavin DeGraw looks like a buffoon wearing that undersized hat. Grow up, indie dude, okay?... "Disney star" Roshon... dunno who he is, but adorable!... Sherri from The View can't even navigate walking down the stairs with her sizable girth; how's she gonna dance? Mercy... Melissa Gilbert looks good for an old broad, but who noticed standing beside her HOT partner Maks, with his six-pack?...

And it's Will Levy!! The way he struts down the stairs is already testosterone-packed. Yummy!... Martina looks fem; how the hell did they do that?... Classical singer Katherine somebody and cute partner Mark!... Gladys Knight looks absolutely fab, so very elegant. Loving her... Jaleel, uh, sorry not ready to take Urkel seriously... Thank god that's over... Time for fries and White Castle burgers!

No way at this early juncture in the season that I'm commenting on each performance... Waiting for Will... Okay, three couples in, I have to ask, is this for real? This is absolutely the gayest shit I have ever seen in my life. On ABC? Logo could have scored itself a name brand with this madness. Jack Wagner in a bow tie dancing like a sweet dandy? I feel like I'm watching The Lawrence Welk Show from the 1970s here... And the judges, with their empty babble: two queens and a Paula Abdul clone, it appears... I dunno how this endured for 14 seasons.

Wow, this is much easier to watch than I suspected—because there's so much damn filler... the post-dance interviews with the "stars," the dragged-out scoring and 500000000000 commercials. This two-hour premiere will be over in 45 minutes. Still waiting for Levy...

This kid Roshon from Disney is remarkable... Wow, what a dancer! Do we think he knows yet that's he's gay? Just Googled... he's 20... I would hope so... Sheri Shepherd... hahahahahahaha... I feel like I'm watching her cute partner spinning a mannequin around the dance floor. How could this woman have so so little rhythm? That was hilarious! Heeeee... And the judges just gave her some of the best praise of the evening... I smell a lottttt of horseshit!...

At last... Here comes William!!! After another 10 or 15 minute commercial break. I can't wait!! I don't know whether to say that his pre-dance footage is adorable or... so so hot! Eek-a-loo, both cool cats! Look at my man in those sweats and that tank. It sure is hot in here for the first day of spring!

OH MY GOD, Will has got the moves! Look at him go! Natural Latin rhythm, sexy as shit, the crowd is ROARING... I am just sitting back taking it all in... I had no idea he was such a natural, truly. This is no easy routine... His hips moving to and fro just scored a 10 in my book. Good googa-mooga, almighty!!!

And now... the judges... First, the queeny queen...He stood up and pronounced, "The hottest package of the season!" And I know what he means. Oh, girl!! Now Paula... blah blah blah... She said all of nothing... And the old queen... "Well done." And next, the scores... 8/8/8... out of 30... the highest score of the night "so far." Oh, please!! That was a 30, if I've ever seen one.

And now... Martina... She comes across as very likeable, huh? I like how she giggles at wearing dance shoes and says, "My biggest insecurity is that I'm just not that feminine. I want to overcome the insecurity; I'm just ready to show a different side of me. I haven't worn a dress in 20 years." And you know what? She looks absolutely amazing... I'm finding a soft spot for Martina... She did all right out there on the floor.

This classical singer Katherine Jenkins looks like a Barbie doll... and her performance is doing absolutely nothing for me. No impact. I feel blank... Oh for god's sake. She just scored the highest points of the night?? 9/8/9? Madness. Honestly, I find her wholly generic. I see this chick blending into the background and not making much of a mark on the viewing audience... She's just, uh, routine, ordinary in my purview.

Now this should be fun: Gladys Knight! Hit it! Oh, lord have mercy, girl, you know exactly what you're doing... And I thought the Pips did all the synchronized dancing! She is ON! Love, love, love me some Gladys! Egads, this queeny judge is making my teeth hurt: "Leddies and geentlemeen, da legend haz got ze moves. You've godd class, you've godd sass, you a-r-r-e a star." Eww.

I must sign out. My morning call is at 6 a.m., and it's time for beddy bye. You better believe I'll be having sweet dreams! William Levy delivered; he is in for the long haul, for sure, for sure, for sure. *