Monday, December 19, 2011

'Kris Humphries Is Gay!' Stupid, Yes; Queer, Not A Chance In Hell

Sigh... I actually feel kind of sorry for half-witted bonehead sap Kris Humphries. Not only did the barely pro New Jersey Nets baller have to bear the presence of megalomaniac Kim Kardashian; endure their profiteering 72-day made-for-TV wedding sham marriage for a $17 million payout; and make an ass of himself on television with the fat-ass reality buffoon... but now the tabloids are actually coming after him.

The always ever-so-so-factual Star magazine is reporting from its usual "unnamed source" that Kris is a big ole homo. "He wouldn't touch her after the honeymoon!" the headline screams—without revealing it's probably because he realized she's crawling with crabs.

Fortunately, Humphries' rep was quick to the draw, responding, "He is not gay." Had I been given charge, I might have added, "Are you fucking serious? Look at this dolt; do you really think any gay would look this asinine in a GQ shoot? Gays have style. And brains. George Clooney, yes. John Travolta, of course. Kris Humphries? There's not a self-respecting queer that's going to buy that one."

But it turns out, according to Star's "inside source" that Kim confided to sister Khloé "pretty early on that they hadn't had sex for weeks after they returned home from their Italian honeymoon. Kim was really concerned."

Furthermore, the tramp tried like a trollop to try to spice up their love life. "One night, she came back to their hotel room in a trench coat. She lit candles, put on music and started doing a sexy striptease. But Kris barely looked up from the TV! He was like, 'Later babe. I'm watching SportsCenter now.'"

Did the insider consider that Kris realized his wife is a whore, and he was terrified of contracting Hep C?

Oh, wait, I interrupted. Star adds there were definite signs Humphries is a homo: He got pedicures and went on frequent shopping sprees. And he even once shaved Kourtney Kardashian's husband's armpit!

I deem that wise opportunism. Realizing he has no talent as an athlete, Kris was merely spending the hooker's money while he had the chance. That's pragmatic thinking. Okay, this has gone on too long. I have to wash my hands.