NYC's Greatest Public Offenses

New York’s Metro newspaper cited the city’s Department of Consumer Affairs’ top consumer rights violations, including such stupid shit as selling cigarettes to minors, deceptive advertising, incomplete/missing receipts and false product weight info. Does any of that crap matter?

More to the point, Metro conducted its own survey among New Yorkers, asking for their top “personal violations.” Now we’re talking. These resonate loudly—though my No.1 grievance, astonishingly, does not appear: Sidewalk strollers, in particular double-wides... Apparently, as soon as a woman pushes a baby from her kootykat, she believes she is entitled to full ownership of the sidewalk, in addition to retail.

I’ll never forget doing biz at a Verizon Wireless store in the East Village, where the tech suggested that a breeder having a problem was told she should take her phone to another location and she asked, perfectly seriously, “But is my (double-wide) stroller going to fit in the door?” She was packed with full-on arrogance, and I was wholly pleased when the dude said, “I guess you’ll have to find out. I don’t have an answer for that question.”

With a double-wide, you might as well be pushing a king-size bed down the sidewalk… You know, mama, they do make strollers that allow you to “stack” your brats. There is nothing more apprehensible in NYC than that to me.

Meanwhile here’s Metro’s list:

1. “Stopping in middle of sidewalk to a.) light a cigarette b.) text c.) look at a map.” Indeed, fuck those many who start texting on the steps. They’re much worse than tourists with maps… and in terms of lighting smokes, bite me.

2. “Absurdly large backpacks or umbrellas.” I’d hardly put this second, but the prob is when dumbasses walk with their umbrellas pointed down so they can’t see oncoming pedestrians. My umbrella barely covers my shoulders, so to those with a double wide… again, bite me.

3. “Spreading legs to take two seats on subway.” Inconvenient if you’re sitting next to the guy, but often yummy if you’re facing them. I mean, there must be something meaty there if they can’t put their thighs together, right?

4. “Walking four abreast in police riot blocker mode.” God, I get this one. I am an impatient hasty walker, and when a group takes up the full width, I am happy to walk through their midsection, just to show them that they’re buttholes.

5. “iPod volume loud enough for all to hear.” I’d rather hear anything coming out of headphones (as long as they’re not singing along out loud), as opposed to a public conversation on a cell phone.

6. “Leaving six feet in front of you for the person who is ahead of you in line so that everyone else in Duane Reade has to wait in the lipstick aisle.” Goddamn! I thought it was only me! I was at IKEA earlier this week and there was some retard that kept a good three feet between he and the person in front of him. So I made it my business to continually nudge him with the items that were sticking out of my basket. Same thing in the Key Food line… I am holding a basket with four bottles of club soda, two 2 liters of Diet Coke and four cans of dog food… move ahead, fucker…

7. “Full body lean against subway pole.” Hmm, that one has never bugged me… Wha?

8. “Clipping/filing nails on the subway.” I wrote an entire blog entry about this repugnant activity. Truly pedestrian and grotesque.

9. “Dog’s leash so long it nearly trips pedestrians.” I love dogs, so am ultimately patient here. Certainly, most dog walkers in my nabe of Brooklyn Heights are considerate. If their dog wanders to the left or right, they are quickly pulled back into line… which is less than I can say of baby strollers, hello.

10. “Your bag gets a seat on the subway but I don’t.” Oh, come on. You’re a New Yorker? Insist that the bag lose the seat. I can’t even imagine…