Oscar Night 2010

ON LOCATION... And away we go! 7:48 p.m. at a boy party, amid a dozen guests (with one lovely lady, Katy), in the heart of Manhattan's Chelsea. Martinis forthcoming. This is (hopefully) going to be a "bumpy ride"! Let the madness unfurl, live...

THANK YOU TO HOSTS DAVID & MICHAEL!8:00 p.m. Now warming up with Barbara Walters, who is 80! Damn, I want her plastic surgeon as a Facebook friend!

8:10 p.m. Penelope Cruz on the red carpet: "I feel like the first time I came here." Girl, you sound like the day you stepped off the boat. Jesus, still can't speak English.

8:18 p.m. Jake Gyllenhaal just came onscreen. The room full of gays roared with approval... EW editor Jess Cagle... adorable (cutie pictured below). Wow, he just interviewed Sandra Bullock and said, "You look fantastic." You know that gay wanted so much to say, "You look fabulous."

8:20 p.m. Jennifer Lopez. Just like the Grammys, gorgeous. As long as she doesn't sing, love her... Sarah Jessica Parker: guest Stephen said, "She couldn't look worse." I thought he said, "She looks like a horse." Kind of the same thing.

8:30 p.m. Shh! We're starting!! David says, "What's with the do-si-do-ing" onstage?" Neil Patrick Harris, who was SO amazing hosting the Golden Globes, is invited to do the same show number for the Oscars. Pretty much the best gay we've got in the millennium, truly. Love!

8:35 p.m. Steve Martin & Alec Baldwin... thank god, daring to be irreverent. Opening monologue making us laugh out loud. And we're nowhere near drunk yet.

8:44 p.m. Best Supporting Actor: Wow, refreshing to kind of not care, though I adored Christopher Plummer in "The Last Station." Winner: Christoph Waltz from "Inglourious Basterds." Saw this movie, liked. I feel nothing. Thankfully, martini 2 has arrived. Michael's turkey sloppy joes on the way—which could possibly be the biggest winner of the night... In fact, eating now...

9:10 p.m. Animated feature... oh my god, this martini is so good... Gurgle, oh, Best Song... My god, for the days of "My Heart Will Go On" and "Fame." My mouth was stuffed with turkey, and I missed nothing. Nothing. How tragic. Music + Oscars = Zero. Travesty. This was once such an honorable category. Now it is a throwaway. What a shame. Breaks my heart, because I care about the music.

9:16 p.m. Original Screenplay: "Hurt Locker." Don't have an opinion, since I haven't seen, but are we sniffing a sweep?... John Hughes is dead? I missed that. Wow, all of these actors onstage are about my age. Reminder: Do not have plastic surgery... Ally Sheedy's neck is not a natural bi-product of one's 40s. And as we all know, men that go under the knife look like lesbians (read: Mickey Rourke, Bruce Jenner).

9:36 p.m. Outside for a smoke with Katy. Short films, documentary, Good, we made better use of our time.

9:38 p.m. Ben Stiller, one of the least funny "comedic actors." Proving to be an accurate read. Dressed in "Avatar" make-up. Idiot. Stephen says, "Not since Robin Williams has one been their own biggest fan." Zzzzz...

9:44 p.m. Jeff Bridges: A testament to aging gracefully... Adapted Screenplay... The guy wins for "Precious." Again, Stephen: "He sounds like Clint Eastwood." Winner guy says, "I'm sorry, I'm drawing a blank." Um, like you didn't have time to prepare for this moment, dude? Steve Martin saves the moment: "I wrote that speech for him." Again, our room roars.

9:53 p.m. Queen Latifah. I dare anyone not to adore and admire this lady. She says, "Let's take a look at" some technical hoo-haw." Ted at our party: "Let's not." Time for another martini...

9:56 p.m. Actress In A Supporting Role: Penelope Cruz nominated for flop "Nine"? I just asked what's below the sixth-floor window here, so that if she wins, I can quickly leap... Mo'nique... All hands in the room are raised for her win... And the Oscar goes to... Mo... I was expecting her acceptance to be powerful, potent and pure... Cursory, at best. She thanks the Academy and her lawyer, but then says how she appreciates that it's "about the performance and not the politics."

Ugh, and then she thanks the first black Oscar-winning actress, Hattie McDaniel, for 1939's "Gone with the Wind," "for enduring all that she had to so that I would not have to." Okay, uh, what about Halle Berry? And, um, we have a black president. What the fuck does that mean? In a moment, Mo'nique deflates from inspiration to Hollywood bureaucrat. Boo, girl.

10:10 p.m. Sarah Jessica Parker and dreamy Tom Ford. The room is not being kind about Sarah's hair, dress, face... I'll stop there... The winner, for "Young Victoria," dressed like a peacock, just said, "I already have two of these." Fuck you, too!

10:18 p.m. Party attendee Ted just asked what makes me think I'm qualified to write about the Oscars, if I've seen so few of the nominated movies. I tried to explain to him the difference between blogging and journalism... as someone that worked as a professional music writer for 14 years, I'm the first to acknowledge that what I'm doing here has nothing to do with any semblance of "critical" writing. This is opinion, this is fun, this is sass. Nothing more. Everyone else gets that, yes?

10:27 p.m. "Sound" and "Sound Mixing": It looks like Johnny Winter... or is it Edgar Winter... for "The Hurt Locker."

10:55 p.m. Gerard Butler and Bradley Cooper... two hotties. I can never keep straight which one is appearing in what romantic comedy. No matter... Grr...

11:05 p.m. At this point, we're in the dire straits of the Oscars. Fluffing with filler until we get to anything that matters to the masses. Tyler Perry. Not funny in a wig; less funny as a man.

11:16 p.m. Martin and Baldwin continue to be wonderfully entertaining... the show drones on...

11:27 p.m. Best Actor: Leading performers discussing working with each nominee... This is truly entertaining, the most human "performance" of the evening... And here is Kate Winslet. Class act, always. And the Oscar goes to: Jeff Bridges, 60. Michael, our co-host, applauds. No one is complaining. Standing ovation. Fifth nomination, first win. All good. God, I need to make sure both of my legs are working, since I have to take the subway home. Three martinis... enough food... think I'll be okay, thanks for caring.

11:42 p.m. Best Actress: Same scenario... I love Helen Mirren, perhaps, more than your mother. And I adored her in "The Last Station." And Carey Mulligan in "An Education." Both which I saw Saturday... which the nation has not... Stanley Tucci talking about Meryl... "your great good humor." I'm almost tearing.

11:50 p.m. And now, Actress: Sean Penn—last year's winner for the important "Milk—presenting... to Sandra Bullock, as expected. Obviously, a collective career award, for one of America's more beloved actresses. Finally, I had a little tear, appropriate since I'm normally crying during "Desperate Housewives" on ABC tonight.

11:59 p.m. Director: Presented by Barbra Streisand, which is fabu, as if they're not expecting it go to the first female director ever. And the Oscar goes to... Kathryn Bigelow, "The Hurt Locker." Everyone here is happy. I've not seen it... Now, Tom Hanks, with zero drama, hastily announces Best Picture... As anticipated, "Locker." Again, have seen so few of the nods, so no opinion. Oh, mercy, and that's that. Wow, I want another cupcake... and you get to go to bed now, while I have to wait for the NYC subway, post-midnight... Wish me godspeed!