Turn To The Left, Turn To The Right: A Life-Altering Event

So you know when you own a home or live an apartment for an extended period of time, inevitably stuff breaks, stops working quite like it used to, fades from its lustrous introduction and the like. And over time, either you stop thinking about how inconvenient or idiotic it is to go about daily life without the convenience of whatever it is that broke. We've all be there, right?

Except that my particular malady has been the doorknob that opens into my apartment... as in the entrance—which has (literally) been hanging by a (stripped metal) thread for some time... with the knob often falling out of the mechanism on one side of the door or the other. As a result, several times I have either ended up locking myself in the apartment or being locked out. In both instances, I've had to climb down (or up) the fire escape outside my window to break into (uh, or out of) my home.

Yeah, I'm the first to admit that it's a bit more than a cursory malfunction. So the fact that it took me four years to replace said doorknob is just plain... dumb as shit. Today, at long last, with pal Alex in town from D.C., we took a little road trip through Red Hook, Brooklyn (thanks to him driving up and providing wheels), and ended up stopping at Home Depot along the tour. And so, for $9, I pretty much changed my life.

Among the best parts of the experience: the directions that came with the knob... ready for this? "To install: Remove exising knobs and replace with new." Even an idiot like me could have gotten that down, I suspect. So imagine: In 10 minutes, we (I watched, Alex did the heavy lifting) installed a shiny new doorknob and by god, it turns. To the left. To the right. And it doesn't fall out on either side. Miraculous! *