After launching her nationally syndicated "Oprah Winfrey Show" Sept. 8, 1986—8,852 days; or 24 years, 2 months, and 25 days ago—the queen of daytime television has finally run out of guests with any discernible talent or credible story to tell. On May 11, teen punk celeb Justin Bieber is making a pre-recorded guest appearance.
Theories as to why and how:
1) The squirt, who sings, acts and talks as if he's black, is praying Oprah will reveal she's his long-lost mammer, so he can escape the shame of being the kid of unwed teen trailer-trash mumsy Pattie Mallette.
2) After interviewing Sarah Palin, Oprah realizes it's nowhere but down from here.
3) Oprah is still (rightfully) embarrassed by Disney casting her as Eudora in 2009 animated flick "The Princess and the Frog," and is offering the behemoth her middle finger by indulging Justin instead of Nick Jonas.
4) Fellow teen queens Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift finally figured out that singing live doesn't do a thing for their musical cred, and politely declined.
5) After Bieber warbled the opening verse on 2010's disastrous "We Are the World 25," Oprah recognized that even he's more talented than Wyclef Jean yodeling.
BONUS) Damn, Chely Wright beat Bieber to the punch by coming out of the closet this week. Now what's he gonna talk about?