The Wondrously Grotesquely Opportunistic MJ Tribute Concert!

An event as mother fucking bizarre as its namesake... The Michael Jackson Forever Tribute Concert last Saturday—inappropriately staged in the dead center of the MJ manslaughter trial for Doc Conrad Murray—was the musical equivalent of wading through a field of quicksand filled with elephant feces. Man, this was one low-down, stinky affair.

First off, the event, held at the Millennium Stadium in Wales, was endorsed by Mike's parents, who made a fortune from the four-hour whore-fest of Jackson's indelible music, attended by 50,000. Mind you, there was also plenty of merch for sale, both at the event and afterward online. Who pockets the booty: dear Katherine and Joe, to ease their mourning, grinning from ear to ear that they continue to cash in on their poor dead kid's legacy.

While a number family members attended—including Michael's weirdo kids Paris, Prince and Blanket—Jermaine, Randy and Janet shunned the concert, recognizing how tacky it was to hold the show amid Murray's trial.

The best performer of the night: Jennifer Hudson... because she had the good sense to back out at the last minute. And the Black Eyed Peas also showed rare restraint—by not performing. (Chris Brown was also supposed to appear, but because of that pesky assault charge, he wasn't allowed to enter the U.K.)

The good news: That allowed more time for LaToya Jackson, who, at this point, has had more plastic surgery than a full season of Nip/Tuck. Not only is she one scary bitch, but Michael's younger sis looks more like him with every slice of the knife.

From clips and pics I've found, the show opened with Ne-Yo, followed by Leona Lewis and then a wondrously bloated, pregnant Beyonce waddling and puffing via a satellite performance from her local Taco Bell. Host Jamie Foxx brought the shindig down yet another notch, continuing to believe that anyone wants to hear him sing. Also on hand: Smokey Robinson, Cee Lo Green, Alien Ant Farm, Gladys Knight, 3T (Michael's opportunistic nephews) and Yolanda Adams.

But let's get to the real goods of the night: Christina Aguilera, who performed "Smile," an alleged fave of Mike's. I'm grinning with delectable wickedness, seeing what a disheveled whorish grotesquely jelly-bellied delightful mess Xtina was. Looks like she's been hanging with Beyonce at Taco Bell... with a flask filled with tequila, no doubt. Mercy sakes alive, this was no tribute to Michael.