Danger: NASA Report Suggests Aliens Will Eat Earthlings For Lunch

Aliens appalled at earthlings for abusing our planet's atmosphere could swoop down and eat us. That's one prediction in a new report from a bunch of nincompoops at NASA and the University of Pennsylvania, in their exhaustive study, "Would Contact with Extraterrestrial Benefit Or Harm Humanity?"

And anyone wonders why federal funding for NASA has been all but eradicated?

Shawn Domagal-Goldman of NASA's Planetary Science Division and his colleagues wasted an undue amount of time dividing alien contacts into three categories: beneficial, neutral and harmful. They speculate that extraterrestrial environmentalists could be so pissed off at our planet-polluting ways that we become a threat to the intergalactic ecosystem—and deserve to be destroyed, or at least attacked, killed, enslaved... or eaten.

"Aliens worried we might inflict the damage done to our own planet on others, might seek to preemptively destroy our civilization to protect other civilizations," the study frets. "Humanity may just now be entering the period in which rapid civilizational expansion could be detected by an ETI because (we are) changing the composition of Earth's atmosphere, which therefore changes the spectral signature of Earth."

It drones on, "While it is difficult to estimate the likelihood, it should at a minimum give us pause as we evaluate our expansive tendencies. As we continue the search for extraterrestrials, perhaps our thinking about different modes of contact will help human civilization to avoid collapse and achieve long-term survival."

I think I'll have some garlic and onions on my turkey sandwich for lunch. If I'm going to be some alien's TGI Friday's appetizer, I at least want to be nice and spicy for my perpetrator.