2008's Most Menacing Public Figure

The reason it's so easy to poke fun at 2008 Republican vice prez candidate Sarah Palin is because—like George Bush—she consistently, effortlessly made a buffoon of herself. "If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck." Only a duck with a gun that shoots moose and hangs them on her wall. I mean, I'm from Virginia and I know trailer trash, but this gives the concept new depth.

But what matters most is that this woman, when scripted, appears as a savior for the downtrodden, and yet, her platform is wholly based on constriction and prejudice:

1) Women: Ironically, the most blatant among those she would discriminate against. Honey, your body belongs to Jesus... and the man you had sex with last night, whether your dad or brother that raped you. Have that baby, no matter how many hands he or she will be born with.

2) Gays: Sarah Palin is the Anita Bryant of the millennium. Seeing her hairstyle, glasses and pre-VP nom wardrobe, she truly appears to be a woman with no gays in her life. Bless her heart.

3) Middle class: Oh, Sarah is here to protect you, despite her "maverick" party's incest with corporate interests that works against America's working stiff. The idea that she would protect the average American is her biggest fallacy.

4) Stem-cell research: Our greatest hope to cure Alzheimer's, birth defects and cancer, and yet her own daughter's baby—OOPS! I mean, her child—is autistic, but researching ways to prevent future generations from such heartache... well, Jesus wouldn't like that. Talk about "gotcha."

5) Sheer ignorance: A woman that can't even bluff that she reads newspapers or magazines—c'mon, she could have come at least up with the conservative Wall Street Journal—is a public official that obviously cannot react under fire. Anyone can rally behind a printed speech, and boy Mrs. Palin did, but it didn't take long for true colors to reveal themselves... FLAT WHITE.

6) The future: Most frightening, Palin is not going away. True enough: Evangelist Republicans have nowhere else to turn as the nation evolves into a more centric posit, no longer obsessed with social issues and fear infused by zealots—since the economy became a little more frightening than a fag living next door. How wondrous that the news reported today that even McCain hedges on lending support to this woman as a potential national candidate.But she does have a solid base to begin with: Bible beaters, women haters, homophobes, oil lobbyists, those who hear without listening... Bush was president for eight years. There's hope for Palin's future yet.