8:01 p.m. Ryan Seabreast is claiming that a world record was set with over 122 million votes "last night." What world? What's the context?
8:03 p.m. Final two Lauren Alaina is from Chattanooga, Tenn., and Scotty McCreery from Raleigh, N.C. I had no idea both were rednecks. God, the South has already risen again!8:05 p.m. The 13 Season 10 finalists are singing Lady Gaga's "Born This Way." I thought Up With People disbanded in the late 1970s. I feel like I'm at a bad contemporary Christian concert... This is so sad.
8:11 p.m. Judas Priest is performing with some girly loser finalist named James who obviously idolizes Guns N Roses. Wow, Rob Halford is bald... I thought all rockers wore wigs to the grave...
8:16 p.m. They're showing a montage of Randy Jackson saying "in it to win it" 500 times this season, proving he's had nothing new to say in a decade of AI. "We've got to get you a new writer," says Seabreast, who, ironically, has never had a spontaneous moment on the show. Pot calling kettle black, so to speak?
8:18 p.m. A really queeny guy named Jacob is singing with gospel great Kirk Franklin. And here's Gladys Knight... For some reason, Jacob keeps singing lead, as if anyone gives a shit.
8:24 p.m. I'm clueless. Jack Black is singing southern rock with some ugly finalist... Notice how every celebrity guest has a new movie or something of the sort coming out within the next week, which Seabreast is eager to share with the viewing audience? Obviously, that's how Idol convinced name brands to humble themselves by singing alongside a troupe of amateurs.8:34 p.m. The 13 female finalists just performed an anemic montage of Beyonce hits... and now she's onstage... yes, Beyonce... obviously, terrified/mortified that Lady Gaga has stolen her thunder. I sniff desperation.
8:43 p.m. Some really tall finalist named Haley is singing with Tony Bennett. She's quite good. This is the best performance of the night. She's a real talent and seems to be having a fine time with the legendary vocalist. This is a good moment.8:46 p.m. JLo montage... pretty cute... I'm kind of having a fond moment with Jennifer Lopez... after all, she employed William Levy for new music video "I'm Into You," which, if they'd excise Lil Wayne, is quite the catchy pop number.
8:49 p.m. TLC performs... with some of the generic female finalists. T-Boz sounds good singing "Waterfalls"... though I'm convinced is as much a lip sync as during the group's heyday.8:52 p.m. I'm finally hearing one of the two finalists "in it to win it." Tim McGraw is singing No. 1 hit "Live Like You Were Dying" with Scotty McCreery. Tim is hot, as always. Scotty is not only more unattractive than in the pics I've seen, but boy, Tim McGraw could fit that little runt in his shirt pocket, huh?
9:02 p.m. I can't image how Marc Anthony managed to secure a solo spot... Well, I'll be, there's his wife Jennifer Lopez onstage shaking her booty. I've mentioned this a time or two: JLo is not a dancer... not much of a singer... She's real pretty and fun to watch in romantic comedies, but I'm a tad embarrassed for her dancing beside her talented man.
9:06 p.m. Finalists are bitching about being eliminated. I'm getting more gin... Perfect timing, as the eliminated guys sing. That first guy is really cute, but the falsetto... ugh, shades of Justin Bieber... We were doing okay with "What's New, Pussycat," until switching to Scotty, whose country warbling breaks and cracks to irritating effect; he thinks he's showing off his persona, but that is sim immaturity.
9:16 p.m. At risk of ruining my reputation, you would not believe the great salad I've made for myself. With three kinds of lettuce, I've added mushrooms, fresh eggs, cheese, green peas and carrots and—showing my southern roots—a pile of Thousand Island dressing. Mmmm, mm, good!
9:22 p.m. Ford just gave some cars to teachers and to the two finalists.We're going waaaay downhill.
9:31 p.m. Finalist Lauren really shouldn't dare to sing Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats"—with her, for god's sake. There's really no comparison to Idol's season four victor, huh?9:37 p.m. Beyonce gets a second shot to sing her new single, "Girls (Who Run the World)," which has already proved a flop on the singles chart, peaking at a tepid No. 33. Considering the fact that the dreary ballad has no chorus—and, of course, the fact that she is as shrill as ever—could it be that the beautiful girl with little talent has finally peaked?
9:42 p.m. U2 sang a song from their disastrous Broadway Spiderman show. Man, I love peas in salad.
9:56 p.m. Steven Tyler sings "Dream On." That was cool. Salad done, more gin, stat! This is going on forever, isn't it?
10:02 p.m. Well, shit, they're announcing the winner NOW... I thought this was going to drudge on for two hours. The winner is... Scotty... just as I predicted earlier today. Oh, he just had to thank the Lord, didn't he? He's singing what I suppose is the "winning anthem," complete with steel guitar and enough country elements to make it absolutely, utterly, wholly, unmistakably clear that he is a southern-fried singer.
Boy, with this kid's star presence, it's clear to me he's going far... as a manager at Applebee's... Yet another American Idol victor with absolutely no musical future... Isn't it time for this show to quietly call it quits? They've not produced a sustainable winner since Jordin Sparks, four years ago.
Fun to read your play by play! Scotty's our home-town boy, so we're all excited. This weeks' performances have left a lot to be desired, showing fatigue, but he actually does have a great base voice. His ealier performances sounded good and showed some versatility. I think his poise is impressive for a barely 17 y.o.! Remember US at that age...??! Never been a big country music lover, but I will keep an ear out for his music.
ReplyDeleteTotally respect you as the seasoned music critic! Just had to weigh in about our local boy. (We're not all rednecks down here, btw!) Enjoy the break from the IDOL monster for awhile....
The two finalists are just kids! I think, for their age, and lack of experience performing, they were remarkable. This year's finalists were all very talented and will hopefully have careers in music. Was very surprised that two country singers would be in the final two!
ReplyDeleteI was reading along with your blog as I watched the show. It was funny to read your take on these kids (they are all younger than my sons!). I think since I'd watched them from the beginning and seen how much they'd grown I wasn't using a critical eye but more of a "proud mom" one. The schedule this show puts their contestants thru would fatigue a pro.
ReplyDeleteI have to disagree with you that this show is done. The new judges have breathed new life into it and this season's talent kept people watching.
It is true that more winners are from the south and that is probably because more people in the south watch the show BUT not everyone from the south is a redneck! Thank you! :)
I love this post. Especially since it laced with a good dose of cynicism (I hope that's spelled correctly) from an experienced music writer. It kinda sums up the whole season. I predicted Scotty would win from early on because middle American would want a clean cut country boy to represent them. It didn't matter if he was good or not. It will be interesting to see if he actually has a hit a year from now or if he will sink into the same place in people's memory as last year's Super Bowl winner (who won again? I remember the VW commercial with the kid in the Darth Vader costume). BTW - I think it was better reading this than actually watching the show. Great job, Chuck!
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