Golden Globes: Give Me Strength... And Gin

Off to an uninspired beginning, as Bruce Springsteen wins one of the first Golden Globes for original song "The Wrestler," which nobody has ever heard—or heard of. How ironic that the award is presented by Sting. These are the two acts in popular history that could pass wind and be awarded a Nobel Prize for "a fart that demonstrates rare fortitude and timbre." As soon as I heard Springsteen's name announced as a nominee, I realized it was all over, before it even began.

Rumer Willis is introduced to escort winners across the stage as Miss Golden Globe. At last, a role befitting her skills! But Rumer, why the long face? (Hahaha, a little joke there.)

The whole room is table-hopping and drinking. The roar is so loud that Jennifer Lopez had to shush the crowd earlier as the show opened. "Hello, Mamma talking, Mamma talking," she hollered. She looks gorgeous. And that was very funny. Kate Winslet wins Best Supporting Actress: "You have to forgive me. I have a habit of not winning things." Wow, girl is a mess. Minutes later, she's thanking her hair people. I think I fell asleep for a minute.

Eva Longoria and Simon Baker are so beautiful. But they're doing TV awards. I'm going to top off my drink... Why is Tom Wilkinson so awkward? I thought everyone was drunk. Now Laura Dern. She said she will cherish her award because Obama was elected. Huh?

Zac Efron is starting to lose a bit of his boyishness. He's evolving from cute to handsome... Oh my Christ, forget Zac. Chris Pine just came out. This man deserves his own entry on my blog. I might actually see "Star Trek." Hahaha, just kidding!

The Jonas Brothers are also growing up nicely, but unfortunately they've been saddled with best animated film. I'm going into the kitchen to smoke.

Johnny Dep and I are the same age. It's just not fair. What a class act... Ooh, this is a good one, Best Actress/Musical or Comedy! Meryl Streep, Emma Thompson and Frances McDormand, three of the finest. Wait, who the hell is winner Sally Hawkins? What is "Happy Go Lucky?" She's talking utter nonsense. And she's sobbing. Pull it together, dumb girl. You know, Xanax and vodka are not a good mix onstage. I'm fast forwarding the Tivo out of sympathy.

Drew Barrymore and Jessica Lange are onstage together, giggling. Apparently, they're appearing in a dramatic version of the sad, tragic documentary "Grey Gardens," which was adapted into a Broadway play last year... Who doesn't love these ladies? I wish Lange would do more. She's brilliant. And they seem to adore each other. Good moment.

Demi Moore, looking beautiful, just told her daughter to keep her shoulders back. How about recommending she hide behind the curtain until someone cares?... Heath Ledger won Supporting Actor for "The Dark Knight." I have yet to see this movie. Need to put it on the list... A shame that Phillip Seymour Hoffman lost, but I haven't seen "Doubt" either, so I'll shut my mouth. For a minute.

Oh, no! How could they put handsome Aaron Eckhart and Maggie Gyllenhaal side by side? She must feel so awful. Not only is she absolutely destined for the Worst Dress of the evening, but, well, a bulldog is more... Hurrah, Laura Linney won for something!! I've adored her since "Tales of the City." Smart lady, equally adept at drama and comedy. (Yes, I am aware that I let go of the conversation about Maggie. I'm trying to be charitable.)

Patrick Dempsey and Amy Poehler onstage... He's stunning, and she sounds bored and arrogant. Which matches my real-life impression. Ayhan and I met her at a party, and she was disinterested and rude... Moving on! Alec Baldwin won for "30 Rock." Hurrah!!!! No secret I am wholly seduced by Tina Fey and her show. Love it.

Oh my God! Renee Zelweger! I had no idea she had been institutionalized! Obviously, she got out of her hospital bed, put on a sheer black straitjacket and caught a cab to the show, without so much as looking in a mirror. A tragedy.

Brooklyn bling! Love that Paul Giamatti won Best Actor/Mini-Series. He lives here in Brooklyn Heights. Ayhan sees him frequently. I never have. Maybe he's hiding behind the curtain when he sees me coming?

Best Comedy... If "30 Rock" loses, I'm going to eat a cigarette. Unless it's "Californication," in which case I'll just gnaw the filter... Winner is "30 Rock"! And Tracy Morgan hijacks the acceptance speech. As the weak spot on the show, he's less funny without a script. Tina Fey says nothing. Odd.

Ayhan arrived home just in time to see the vignette on "Mamma Mia," nominated for Best Comedy/Musical! We're grinning... Oops, that joy was short-lived as "Sean Combs" or whatever his name is this week is onstage... you know he's an "actor" now because of "Raisin In the Sun." So out of place. Speaking of which, "Slumdog Millionaire" won for score. This movie keeps picking up critic's awards. I'm betting it's gonna end up winning a hand-load of Oscars. What does this mean for "Milk" and "Benjamin Button"?

Okay, huge category!! Best Actress TV/Comedy: Christina Applegate (like her, never seen show), America Ferrera (love & never missed a single "Ugly Betty"), Tina Fey, (shit, my new heroine, she's gonna win... okay, since America won last year), Debra Messing ("Starter Wife," snore) and Mary Louise Parker (adore, tried to get into "Weeds," couldn't). And the winner is... TINA FEY! Well, c'mon it is her year!! Delighted.

The show is going on and on... Fun to see everyone pretty much loaded at this point. I can relate. Thank God I don't have to drive home. Steven Spielberg talked for 45 minutes after winning some award, and I think we all poured a double... David Duchovny and Jane Krawkowski are onstage together... Good moment... now Salma Hayek. I don't get it. Antonio Banderes arrived in the States from Spain and learned to speak English decades ago. Why can I still not understand a word she says?

Best Comedy or Musical... "Mamma Mia" and "Burn After Reading" lose. Fast forward, Tivo. Zzzzzzz... Kate Winslet wins a second award for Best Actress/Drama. She's hysterical, and actually rather dear.

Best Actor/Drama: Even draw between Sean Penn in "Milk," Frank Langella in "Frost/Nixon" and Brad Pitt in "Benjamin Button." And the winner is... Mickey Rourke in, um, what movie? Here's one of those 1981 Grammy "Best Pop Female Vocal Awards going to... Lena Horne" moments, where the deserving candidates were locked in a tie, allowing the last-place loser to end up on top. Thankfully, I don't care much. Rourke is thanking his dogs. That's nice, since his friends wouldn't recognize him after all that plastic surgery. But that's not news.

Best Picture: "Slumdog Millionaire." There you have it. We began on such a low note with Springsteen and end where we started. Maybe there's still time to save the night. I think there's a new episode of "Property Virgins" on HGTV.