"G.I. Joe": Some Advice

I rented “G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra” from Netflix tonight and thought I might offer some friendly advice for the next action adventure film:

• When casting a lead actor to portray an action hero, it is helpful to find a young man who is attractive and even better, sexy (say, Chris Pine). Channing Tatum, as “Duke,” has a nice chest and torso—which we hardly see—but the fact that his ears look like pterodactyl wings, his eyes are a half-inch apart, his lips resemble Meg Ryan’s, and there is nothing discernibly magnetic about his onscreen presence had me looking for the lead of the movie for a good 15 minutes. When I realized it was him, I knew I was in for a long ride.

• Also speaking of the lead actor, it is of benefit when a white man speaks standard American English. If I had dark sunglasses on, I’d have thought Eminem—or some other African-American-mimicking punk—was playing the part.

• “Tough girls who don’t have a speck of femininity” roles have become a bit tattered. Unless you plan to cast Hilary Swank, the ultimate man-woman, it’s better to write your women as a foil to male characters—not to make their balls so big that you don’t even consider that they have breasts. Sienna Miller’s next big break: “The L Word”?

• Fire and explosions are great fun. But it’s also cool to wrap them around a plot. You know, a goal. Something that happens. Point A to B.

• Movies named after a familiar brand should bare some semblance to the franchise. Hasbro’s G.I. Joe was a macho soldier. The movie uses G.I. Joe to describe a military operative. What the fuck does that mean? Ultimately, the lead was a pussy who dressed like a mama’s boy in tight shirts. The film should have been titled “C.G.I. Joe.” It looks faker than “Star Wars” in 1977.

• Dennis Quaid: Please apologize to your fans. Marlon Wayans, congratulations for being paid far beyond your skill level.